Eating Disorders: Control Issue?

I've been thinking about this for some time now and wanted to think "out loud" this time. The cliche answer as to why people have eating disorders and/or can't let them go is based on control. They say that when people's lives are in a downward spiral and they need something that they can grab a hold of like an emotional security blanket, something they can direct and move around the way they want, that's when eating disorder flourish. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think control is the most basic symptom that's hidden beneath the layers. It's the first brick of this soul-sucking house but it's not the foundation. Ever since patient x confided that she makes herself throw up or doesn't eat because she needs to feel like she's in control of her life, the medical community has hung their hats on that. They've made case after case backing this theory up and making it seem like people are just hyper type A and want to be in full control of their lives at all times. There's truth in this but what's the underlying cause of this symptom even?

Self-worth.

It's not about the control or the food or the weight or the exercise. It's about how they ultimately feel about themselves and the subsequent inherent value that they have. They don't feel worthy to take up space. They don't feel worthy to fully own the bodies that they live in. They don't feel worthy to embody the full range of emotions that make up the human experience. When your self-worth is in a negative range, you start reaching out into the darkness of life seeking to control all of the things that remind you that you deserve better than your current circumstances. You start strangling the happiness around you. You start embodying the darkness. You begin to accept that the space you take up is too large and impactful - and it hurts. People shouldn't notice you the way that they do and you begin to shrink yourself. This is where the control comes in. 

It's almost accidental the way the control becomes a master. It starts slowly and feeds on the negative thoughts and energy emanating from their being/spirit. It grows into this beast that they can't control - no pun intended. As they shrink from the greatness of their identity, it starts to kill their birthright. By the time, they are actually able to see it, it's too late. The monster has grown and destroyed their perception of life. They can no longer handle this thing they've created to solve their temporary problems. The security blanket is now smothering them. 

So how do we fix this? 
1. Remind people of who they are. Show them they are created in the image of God - even if they don't believe in Him.
2. Give them permission to have pride in themselves. Remind them of their gifts/talents and give them permission to feel pride in those things without judgement. 
3. Protect them. They need a safe place to experience their full range of emotions. It's not enough to show them they are good enough - they need to be able to feel that fully as they get back on their feet emotionally. They will feel like they are being conceited and beat themselves up for beginning to love themselves. Each step forward will be accompanied by shame and self-defeat.
4. Be an advocate. Throughout their illness, they've had people confront them about their self-destruction in ways they found to be accusatory. Encourage them in their recovery. When they fall back or slip up your tones and ear need to be judgement-free. Again, you need to be a safe place for them. Don't bring up past hurts. Don't tell them they'll never get over it. They need hope and peace - not betrayal.

There are so many other things that we should be doing. This list is not an end all, be all...it's a start. What are some other ways that we can help those with eating disorders recover?

Spaces

On my way to work this morning, I felt like I needed to be watching traffic. Not so much for safety but for a pattern – aka life lesson. So I did (while I basked in the greatness that is Jill Scott). Once I began to pay attention, it didn’t take long for me to notice the spaces between all of the vehicles accompanying me on my commute to work and noting how quickly they were being filled and how people were protecting the spaces in front of them while they dodged in and out of traffic. So that’s what I’d like to talk about today. Space.

I noticed as I was driving this morning that in order to move forward in traffic, I had to fill an empty space. Sometimes that meant moving forward and filling a gap that was already there. The easiest method by far – and a crowd favorite. Sometimes, though, it meant creating a space to fill which the more aggressive among us are so skilled in doing. If there’s space you’d like to fill and there’s not enough room, I’ve found that nosing the front of your car in is an effective way to get to where you’d want to be. But in order to keep anyone else from pushing you back to where you were, you need to protect your space. You keep the distance between you and the car in front of you small and tight, then you mirror their driving style in order to maintain your position. This keeps people from inserting themselves into your “way” and delaying your commute in any way.

I’ve been learning that in order to draw new things and people into our lives, we have to create space for them. Sometimes, we decide that we want something and there is already room in our lives for that thing, life situation or acquisition. That’s the crowd pleaser. The easy way, if you will. And then there’s the life that is full. To the brim. But you want more. You want better. But it’s just not coming. Whether it’s in a form that works for you or at all. You’re not seeing whatever you’re searching for manifest within your life. You know what you need to do? Make space. Nose your way in there and protect your space.

Creating space in your life (the nose-in) seems so difficult but it’s so simple in theory. It’s the action that’s so difficult. It’s a practice of putting yourself first and deciding to get rid of anything within your life that looks like or impedes the pathway of the thing that you’ve been yearning for. Simpler way of putting it, you have to put away the things that no longer serve you. Get rid of that man who only calls when he’s bored. Let go of that job that sucks up all of your time with nonsense. Let go of the self-doubt that says that you’ll never realize your dream of running a marathon. And watch the universe converge to bring you the desires of your heart. Watch the laws of attraction bring you a husband, your dream job and help you to run that marathon. It’s that simple. But you have to really want it. There’s power in creating space for the things we want.

Second part to the “nose-in” is protection. Be protective of the time that you devote to acquiring the thing that you’re yearning for – as well as the space, once you’ve created it in your life. In traffic, "safe" people tend to leave a lot of room between their car and the next but they have a hard time protecting that space when they see someone trying to come in. So it's best to keep these things close. You can't protect anything from a long distance. So maybe that looks like keeping things tight to your chest and making it sacred. There will be things/people that will come to distract you and try to fill in the gap for you with themselves and their “stuff”. Take care not to allow people to cheapen this experience through their opinions, guilt-rendering and gossiping tongues. Just sit back and watch the universe rush to bring you all that you’ve been longing and asking for.

The start and stop of traffic can be a painful thing to endure, especially in inclement weather where it feels that your life is on the line. But moving forward, I think it will be a constant reminder to be vigilant of the spaces in life that we squander and fill with unnecessary clutter. Keep yourself open to what you’ve been waiting for and create space for it. It’s coming.

Healing

Dear Me,

I am finally ready to heal you. Don't be alarmed at the pain buried deep within your psyche - it's there for growth. It's time to release it and move forward. It will hurt in the moment but you'll be so strong once you get to the other side. So hang in there. Be patient with yourself and lean in close. God is here. He's been waiting for us to be ready. So, let's do this. Let's lay this thing bare. Don't be afraid to be hurt. Breathe and let the contractions ebb and flow. At the end of the pain is progress. Your destiny. The greatness that's been laying in wait deep within your bones and your soul. It is the fire that burns behind your eyes and presses your forward when you're at the end of yourself. You've felt that tingle and seen the flashes. It's time now to walk, move, breathe and live in it. 
Let's pause...

Hey
It's me
I'm calling
To schedule
A nervous
No, make that necessary
Breakdown
I won't be answering anything
I'll be so busy 
With my knees on the ground
And my hands
Up towards the clouds
Confessing out loud
Confessing out loud that
I ain't too proud
To say I'm slipping, tripping
So I'm calling to schedule
A very necessary
Breakdown
Leave me alone
Now

A Love Affair

I'm trying to love my body. But I think I'm doing it wrong. All of these years, I've been thinking that I need to love the way it looks. That I need to be proud of this weight I've gained that won't go away. I've been buying clothes that "make me feel good". I've been planning trips and taking pictures - like photo shoot pictures.

But I've realized this morning that I've been doing this all wrong. I've been focusing on what it looks like instead of what it can do. Don't get me wrong, I have had moments of clarity in appreciating what it can do, how it moves and functions. But they were few and far between, muddled with conditions, misunderstandings and deafening passivity. 

(Sorry - if this seems jumbled - but I'm kind of thinking out loud here.)

This morning, I've been thinking about how my body works. I've been reading a book called Woman Code by Alisa Vitti which talks about how to eat to balance your hormones during the female monthly hormone cycle. This information has blown my mind and really opened my eyes to how it feels to be intuitive about your body. And also, it gives you permission to work with your body using your intuition. It's amazing. Who knew that we would ever need permission to listen to our bodies?? But you do. 

In today's world, we need permission to do everything. To love ourselves at larger sizes, to eat food that makes our bodies feel good without explanation/excuse, to do exercises that allow our bodies to bloom in function and release stress. It's a lot (for lack of a better term) and puts immense pressure on us to conform to a worldly standard. It's weird. Instead of looking at a larger body and saying, something is off within your system to allow you to maintain an unhealthy weight, we look at them and say "ew, fat! gross!" It's so odd to me. Our bodies are amazing! They tell us what they want, what they need and what kills it. We just don't listen.

Today, I'm making the pledge to turn off the tv, shut down social media and focus on myself. I want to know myself intimately. I want my body and mind to be so connected that I can immediately tell when I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me, but also know what types of foods allow my body to thrive. I invite you to do the same. Maybe we'll spark a revolution!

Beautiful. Sensual. Healthy: A Reflection on Journey

My lips are powerful. Sometimes when I'm not paying attention, my lips tighten and purse. Usually, as ideas are floating through my brain and causing my mind to whirl. It's like they're tightening around a thought so brilliant, it's likely to escape without proper protection. Other times they stretch and pull around my teeth, creating a smile that comes from the heart and brightens my eyes leaving others to wonder if the twinkle they see on my face has been pulled from the sky. I was recently complimented on them during a photo shoot and allowed to take a long hard look to see what others see when they look at me and I saw it. I saw that when I let them relax and part ever so slightly, they are beautiful. I saw that their natural outline creates a path that begs to be touched, traced and kissed. I understood how their softness when kissed would make you long for more and never get enough. I saw...beautiful.

...

In this moment, I want to text a man who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I want him to text me back the things that will make my heart melt and my insides tingle. I want to be fully uninhibited with him, knowing that I'm safe to be freely me. I want his texts to ignite a flame between my thighs that sends a blush up to my cheeks and cautionary glance around me. A sensual secret. A secret so potent that I can't sit still and so sensual that I feel like a spicy cloud of cinnamon is wafting from my every move enticing those around me with its fragrance. 

...

Boundaries. They're wonderful, helpful and healthy. When people disregard our boundaries, it makes us angry. It irritates us. It annoys us. It's a human response to a violation of space and well-being: spiritual, physical and mental. I yearn to understand boundaries intimately. I want to be fluid enough to realize that when I butt up against someone's expectations, it has less to do with me and more to do with their sense of self-substantiated well-being. I want to offer them the protection of a clear distinction of themselves. A distinction that honors who they are within a safe, ego-less space but allows me permission to be my protected, honored self as well.

...

"And then it came to me, like an epiphany..." - Chrisette Michelle, Epiphany (I'm Leaving)

There is no great science to empathy. You don’t need a degree to know how to care for someone or put yourself in their shoes. Empathy is about imagination. If you've ever been in love, then you should be able to imagine how terrible it would be to have that bond broken. If you've ever loved a child, you should be able to imagine how heart-wrenching it would be to lose the love and trust of that small person. 

I had an epiphany the other day about love and relationships. I was talking to a friend about this guy that I like. She's a great person but I realized as I was talking to her that she was unyielding. And I think that may be why she's still single. It just kind of hit me. Not in a judgmental way because I'm still single too. But I think in general, there are a lot of women that are still single because they're too rigid about the wrong things. 

There is an ebb and flow to everything. Life. Love. We need to remember to exercise that in our communication with people. Sometimes, you have to take a chance on a good person. Become intentional about making something work with them.

There are certainly going to be deal breakers. There are going to be men that you shouldn't take a chance on. There are going to be people that don't live up to the potential that would make a love for them soar. Those are the times when rigidity helps. But sometimes, you have to relax and remember what's important. You may find the perfect guy but he smokes and you can't handle that. Maybe if he knew how you felt, he'd work through a cessation program to be with you. 

Let's stop writing good people off without giving them a fighting chance. 

Sometimes great things come in the most unsuspecting of packages. I went to someone for prayer last night. I'd been to the church one other time before when I'd felt like God wanted me to go. After the sermon, there was a prayer time and I nervously stood in line awaiting prayer and asking myself who I should go to. There was a couple there that I felt so strongly like they weren't for me. I don't know how to explain it better than that. There wasn't a true negative feeling of "these are terrible people" but there was definitely an instant aversion to them when they sat beside me during the sermon. So I get to the front of the line and they become free. The people I had an instant reaction to. And I heard ever so clearly "no". The 10 seconds I stood and reasoned how to decline politely felt like an eternity. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't NOT walk over and have them pray for me. I was next in line and they were open. What could I do, right? 

Well, it was awful. Absolutely terrible. They prayed for me but I felt nothing. Not even a twinge of God in it. They'd prayed out of their own understanding without searching the Lord for any indication as to how He wanted to handle my situation. They'd stopped listening when I mentioned that I didn't go to church regularly. They didn't hear me when I said that God had freed me for now (and maybe forever) from the tradition of church-going so that I'd learn of Him by the means that He'd chosen for me during this time. (It's a long story - message me if you want to know about it.) They prayed that God would bless me and strengthen my heart, etc.....once I was back in church. I left there deflated, a little battered, disappointed and honestly, extremely pissed off. But now I'm glad that it happened for several reasons:

1. Living as I am now, I've been shown how the church operates to an outsider and it's not usually pleasant.
2. It showed me that people are afraid of things that don't fit into the status quo - whether at work, in society but for sure within the church. 
3. I could feel the difference between a prayer from their minds and one from their heart. We should always be asking God what He wants us to pray for when we are praying for others.
4. It allowed me the understanding that praying out loud in groups is for the benefit of the group. Yes, you are praying to God but you are also ministering to the people around you. People use prayer to gossip, admonish and chastise people. But we also need to be using it to uplift people. 
5. Prayer should always be spoken in love. Doesn't Corinthians say something about doing everything in love? If you do things without love, you're like a clanging cymbal - just noise. God does not care if it takes you an hour to hear what He has for you to pray for someone, He wants you to take the time to seek Him and lovingly minister to their spirits. We're out here fighting for our souls everyday - be kind. Realize what a privilege it is to seek the Father on behalf of someone. It's a HUGE privilege.
6. You don't have to accept what someone speaks over your life. If it is not of God, you block that mess out and keep it moving. What God has for you, is for you. What God has ordained for you to receive, it is for you to receive. This was not for me to receive. I knew it before I went up there.
7. Take courage in the fact that what people pray over you is reinterpreted by the Holy Spirit into groanings and utterings for your well-being. Prayer is for ministry and uplifting. Yes, the words that we pray mean something. They're important. They have weight. But when you don't know what to pray and you don't know how to find the right words, the HS backs you up and intercedes on your behalf. The words are for people and commanding things on earth be as they are in heaven (and vice versa). I'm still working through this - there's a post locked up inside of me waiting to get out.
8. We should settle into the fact that God meets us where we are and His timing is perfect. This was a lesson for me. I needed to understand what it feels like when God speaks to me. I ignored Him and ended up in bad situation. But at the same time, I found out that His timing is so perfect. The first service was a training moment (as my boss likes to say) and last night was the real deal.

Back to my story, one of the ladies that I'd felt should have prayed for me the first time was sitting behind me for this service!! It was amazing. She was warm and something about her invited me in. I asked her to pray with me and gave her the background of what had happened the first night. She immediately went to get someone else to pray with us. These two women prayed for me, spoke over me and ministered to me so dearly that I couldn't even speak. There were so many tears - healing tears. Things were confirmed for me that I'd been thinking about, that I'd questioned. It was amazing. 

In situations like that, people usually feel joyous and like they have seen the face of God. I didn't feel that. But I can tell you that I feel prepared. Called. Ready. Confirmed. Healed. And that I got what I came for. That's what I was supposed to receive the first time but I did things my way instead.

So I guess I say this to say, God is good. To you. To me. To our world. People wonder where God is and why He's not changing the world and preventing life-altering things from happening to us all of the time. My question to you is: Are you letting Him use you? Do you know what it feels like when God speaks to you? Do you step out and act when He speaks to you? Do you believe that He is who He says He is? Do you know God's love for you? Because out of His love, your love grows. And it's out of that love that you minister to people whether it's in prayer or practical, everyday life actions. God uses any and everything to reach us where we are. Prayer, listening and acting are how that happens. 

As I write this, I'm reminding myself of these things and vowing to change my perceptions. To go into every situation asking God how He wants to act, love and speak - then waiting for the answer. I want to be a conduit of change and love leaving a wake of healed souls behind me.  

Burning Bridges

Sometimes this song gets all shut up in my bones and I have to listen to it on repeat to push it out into the open. Because my hormones are raging, I have all the feels but totally don't want to talk about it. LOL...#somuchlovetogive  

(April 2008)

so i haven't talked to seri in about a week or so outside of work. he's still coming up to the cube to make small talk, still flirting with me when he sees me around the office, but still not calling me at a decent hour to talk. i don't get it. well, i get it, but don't understand why he's being such a douche. seriously. so i'm trying to breathe my way through the haziness of his behavior and decide what i want for me. and of course i keep waffling, because that's what i do. i was talking to my roomie about this on new year's eve shortly after the ball dropped and my lips had been pried open by the alcohol i'd consumed and she thinks that he likes me but feels he can't commit right now. that's girl speak for "he's just not that into you." because i think all of my guy friends would tell me to move on already without needing to hear everything that we've been through and talked about like the girls. i love rehashing all of that, but it's not healthy, you know? and i can only fight the crazy for so long before the rehashing and fairytale, imaginary relationship we have takes over and i become a stalker. by accident, of course. so i'm on a "no contact" initiative right now. "No dairy, no seri" is my current mantra for 2008. both give me an allergic reaction; one is just makes me emotionally gassy instead of physically. ( i'm so tired.) so anyways - i'm just kind of hanging out and waiting for the next booty call so i can say "seriously?! how many times can a woman say "no?!" so that's the seri update. i keep forgetting to put them on here. i have other news too, but maybe i'll post that later on today and make sure that i have something to talk about for the next few days... :-)

I'm ba-aaa-aaack!! well, kinda...

(Another old post from April 4, 2011 that was left as a draft. It's still so true for me even today. A lot of these "drafts" were posted and pulled back because I just felt so vulnerable. I'm learning to own my story and be grateful/give thanks for it as it's made me who I am. It's been a matter of learning that I'm not my mistakes. Once you take yourself out of that equation and realize that, it removes the shame....and that's where the freedom is.)


it's so funny how reading someone's blog can make you want to tell your story too. or again, in my case. i don't know how "honest" i want to be though. it's just too revealing. it's like putting your counseling sessions on the internet for everyone to read or bleeding all over the screen instead of the page of your journal. not sure how i feel about that right now. i have so many things churning in my brain right now; just begging to come out.

i guess i'll write this one and see where it takes me.

the biggest lesson that i've been learning lately, is that not everything is about me. And as crazy as that sounds...it's soooo true.

Discouragement or Being Realistic

So today, I've been thinking about discouragement and being realistic again. I was reading an article in O Magazine and had a quick series of thoughts come to mind that I wanted to get out.

I remember moving here to DC and telling someone that I was on the edge of something great and I didn't know what it was but I knew that God had something great here for me. The person that I was enthusiastically speaking to, told me in that "be realistic voice" that maybe it wasn't something huge, it could just be something small. She was trying to keep me from being disappointed - but was that necessary?

I don't think it was.

Why do we do that to people? Why are we always discouraging people from moving forward with their dreams or fully embracing their intuitive thoughts of the greatness that is coming within their lives? I know part of it is that we don't want to see someone we love hurt. We don't want people to get their hopes up only to find that they misread situations and yearnings that seemed so apparent and pulling at the time. I get it. Nobody wants their loved ones to hurt.

I think another reason we do this is jealousy. Many of us don't want anyone to be better than us. We wonder why this person has these feelings of greatness but we don't. We feel that we are being continuously handed the short end of the stick, I think. (I need to think about that more and flesh it out - but I think there's a lot of truth here).

So anywho - this all comes to mind to say that we need to stop. We need to stop discouraging people. We need to push people to live their dreams and push toward their intuitive leanings. What is that saying...? "If you reach for the moon but miss, at least you'll end up among the stars." (Something like that) Let's keep pushing people to be their best selves and really embrace their talents and completely perceive what their intuition (or God) is telling them to do. Almost everyone great who has had an amazing impact on the world has been deemed crazy to some degree. 

If we never take the chances necessary to become "great" we never will be.

Random Thoughts

And so, I've had these random thoughts in my phone for a while now. Whenever they pop up, I type them up. You're welcome for sharing my weirdness...

- As someone who has been blamed for the types of men that hit on her, I can now say that none of that has anything to do with me. Who hits on me has very little to do with me and everything to do with them. I am only responsible for who I allow into my space.


- There is a tendency within people to give advice instead of listening, to think as you're talking to separate themselves from your situation so they can fix it.What would happen if we listened when people spoke to us, allowed ourselves to really feel the emotions caused by the person's "story", asked if they needed advice or just an ear and simply put ourselves into their shoes within the moment they are sharing with us? I think our relationships and lives would be completely different.


- Perceive the world around you. Feel your way through your situations. Treat relationships like they are as important as they are - you know, with the appropriate level of importance. This is what life is about. Relationship. It should be top of mind to build and correct them at all times. We should be walking through life leaving strengthened and healed people in our wakes. Think about how special it is to be allowed into another person's life and experiences. 


- How to stay friends with a significant other after the relationship has ended: appreciate the intimacy that you have with that person and be thankful to have been able to get to know them on that level. 


- Instead of trying to figure out why you're the way you are based on the notion that something is wrong with you, celebrate it. Thank God for it and walk in it. Remember the moments of clarity and use them to keep you grounded in your purpose, walk and relationship with God.


- Listen to things that people choose to tell you. Perceive it and really reach for the notion behind it. Oversharers tend to be dealing with issues that are continuously one their mind. They're usually seeking help in navigating those waters, not reprimands for sharing what you consider to be TMI. They share until they find relief from their circumstances, memories and thoughts. As they are telling you their "story", you should be honored that they chose to come to you in their quest for healing. God has placed them in your path for a reason, ask why and reach for understanding. Also, just because you feel that someone is speaking on something too intimate for your relationship with them, doesn't make it so. Be conscious of your judgments of others. 


- People think that they change according to the situation that they're in, but they don't. The only change is their freedom to express the things inside openly and outwardly. But if you listen closely and pay attention to how you feel when you're around them, you'll know who they are regardless of their level of openness within any given situation.

...i'm a villain...

02.03.12

there's a story that's being written about me. it's about a girl that tries her hardest everyday only to find out that it's not enough. and not only is it not enough, it's criminal the way that she handles life.

05.14.12

i've been chronicling my life for years, using up journal after journal. writing down the emotions that seem to overwhelm me until i can't see the end of myself. singing and writing have always been my companions. my drugs of choice. so it's been odd that i haven't been indulging in either of those activities. right now i feel like my life is being swallowed whole by this huge life changing sorrow that i moved down to alleviate. it turns out that you can't help someone out of a bad place unless they want to leave it.

I'm releasing old drafts today...watch out!

06.22.13

I tend to stare in the mirror haphazardly. Waiting to become beautiful. Waiting for my features to soften and become feminine. I will my hair to soften and flow. Pull my waist in until my hips round and curve. Then I move. Round out my back, stretch my torso, frame my face with my arms and forget. I forget that I hate my body. Forget that my heart hurts. I feel. Sexy, Alive, soft, fluid. But most of all, I feel. It's dangerous. I get wreckless. I forget my awkwardness, my clumsiness. That I don't always know what to say. That I'm tender-hearted. And full of dichotomies. Opposites.

Look what I found! I wrote this on 5.24.12 and it rings true for me now even though I've moved to a new city since then. So interesting to see the hope of that time and the progress I've made since...

i became extremely stressed out yesterday for a few hours. thinking about my apartment and starting a new life. i'm terrified...and i have nothing. do you know how stressful it is? for real, i almost broke out in hives thinking about it.

i'm a firm believer in God working things out. bless my heart, the way i navigate through this world is atrocious. i live from the heart. if my heart doesn't feel what i'm writing, i erase it. what i'm singing, i turn the music off. what i'm watching, i change the channel. my heart is the well spring of my life and it's messy. i kind of tumble around loving people and things unabashedly throwing caution to the wind doing what feels right.
this has way of living has a tendency to be soooo very detrimental to any kind of plan that i could possibly put together which often leads me to having no plan. this stresses out everyone in my life.

i moved to chicago because i had a feeling God wanted me there. i hang out with people because i have a feeling they are just great people. i hug/call people because i feel like they need it. i talk to people on the street and smile from my heart because i just feel like it's necessary. i moved to GA because i felt like my heart would implode if i didn't. all of this has lead to where i am now.

without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out, as my dad would say.

which leads to my next moment of insanity. i've "claimed" an apt. i feel like this is the one. i feel like God's leading me here. i toured the facility but it was rushed and...not REALLY a tour. more of a "let me show you the largest apt which is nothing like the one that i'm going to offer you when we get back downstairs." but it was cool. i just accepted it because i knew that was home.

my new home.

and i feel the renewal creeping up behind me. the chance that so many people wish they could take...a chance to start over. to take this City by storm. to be the person God has planned for me to be. all of the regression i feel, the anger i've felt, the tears i've cried...they're all leading to this moment.

my moment of renewal.

i may not have toilet paper. or an iron. or furniture. but i'm so excited to start over. my life in chicago was becoming more counterfeit by the day. i was in love with a man that was in love with someone else. i was working at a job that wasn't suited for me. i had frenemies surrounding me and discussing my every move. my life right now is the real deal.

it's spacious and inviting. it's full of expectation and hi-fives. i have all the love i need and am surrounded by family and good people.

my heart. my expectation. my future. it's all bright. it's all right. it's a chance in a lifetime.

I want to kiss your imperfections
Caress your fears
Stare deep into your resistance
And gaze into your tears

Don't block me from the love you possess
Don't harness your sweet tenderness
Open the cage and let the animal out
I'll love it regardless of it's ferocious bite

I'll wait it out until you trust me
Hold me with sincerity
Until your arms have feeling
And your heart thinks in words

Until your fear's been replaced with
warmth and togetherness
Until your trauma has been laid to rest
Let me love you to life
Bring you back from death

no drinking for you! - 12.21.12

i woke up this morning wanting to blog and chronicle my life and thoughts again. i fumbled around my apt getting my laptop only to have sat for about an hour doing nothing. i read some old blogs of mine amazed at the things that i've said in the past - how bare i'd laid my life. i was interested in my story, amused at my shenanigans, but so overwhelmingly embarrassed at the complaining and grasping at straws that i've done.

last night while i was drinking, i realized that that is a pattern for me. this grasping of straws. i get to a certain point in a life situation where i feel like i've done all that i can do and i lose myself. normal just kind of stand...resolved to find a solution or come to an ultimatum. i freak out and grasp the situation so tightly that it slips out of my grasp like sand in a tightly closed fist. i just can't hold on to it.

so i've realized that's where i am right now and i'm letting go (i think). i need to let go. i'm putting myself into emotional and spiritual timeout (along with FaceBook). this walking wound needs to start healing. i'm done living by the seat of my pants and not being able to have a nice buzz going without it turning into a self-counseling moment.

today on the way to work i started thinking about church and God and what i was looking for. you know, why i categorize myself as a christian. i started thinking about the difference between being religious and being a christian and if there even was a difference. there is.

i go to church and read my bible because i just truly want to know who God is and what He wants from us. I want to understand him just like I understand my dad. I want to talk to him just like I can talk to my brother. i want to come to Him with my bad day just like i do with my mother and cut up with Him like i would my best friend. i want to know who He is. not just what He says not to do. i think that's what being a christian is about. it's not about rules because those were thrown out the window when Jesus came. it's not about "an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth" either. it's about loving your neighbor as yourself.

then, i began thinking about purpose. what is my purpose? what is your purpose? it came to me as quickly as the question popped into my head.

to breathe life.

at first, i didn't know what that meant. but i think i get it now. it's what the heart of christianity is comprised of. we are to breathe life into the world. my favorite phrase used to be "i can't be the Holy Spirit for you!" when people (that i was irritated with mostly) repeatedly asked me to be someone they could confide in or to give them verses to keep their anxiety at bay - i would toss that phrase over my shoulder at them and continue with whatever cause i thought took precedence over their insecurities, sin confessions, pleas for advice - whatever.

today, the gravity of how wrong that was, hit me like a ton of bricks. being the Holy Spirit for people is what breathes life into people. it is the very thing that we are called to do. we are called to be confidants for those with the worst shame and secrets, we are called to feed and clothe the poor, shelter the homeless, listen to the outrageous, love the unlovable...to pay attention to the neglected. we are to be God to the godless.

that's what christianity is about.