There is no great science to empathy. You don’t need a degree to know how to care for someone or put yourself in their shoes. Empathy is about imagination. If you've ever been in love, then you should be able to imagine how terrible it would be to have that bond broken. If you've ever loved a child, you should be able to imagine how heart-wrenching it would be to lose the love and trust of that small person. 

I had an epiphany the other day about love and relationships. I was talking to a friend about this guy that I like. She's a great person but I realized as I was talking to her that she was unyielding. And I think that may be why she's still single. It just kind of hit me. Not in a judgmental way because I'm still single too. But I think in general, there are a lot of women that are still single because they're too rigid about the wrong things. 

There is an ebb and flow to everything. Life. Love. We need to remember to exercise that in our communication with people. Sometimes, you have to take a chance on a good person. Become intentional about making something work with them.

There are certainly going to be deal breakers. There are going to be men that you shouldn't take a chance on. There are going to be people that don't live up to the potential that would make a love for them soar. Those are the times when rigidity helps. But sometimes, you have to relax and remember what's important. You may find the perfect guy but he smokes and you can't handle that. Maybe if he knew how you felt, he'd work through a cessation program to be with you. 

Let's stop writing good people off without giving them a fighting chance. 

Sometimes great things come in the most unsuspecting of packages. I went to someone for prayer last night. I'd been to the church one other time before when I'd felt like God wanted me to go. After the sermon, there was a prayer time and I nervously stood in line awaiting prayer and asking myself who I should go to. There was a couple there that I felt so strongly like they weren't for me. I don't know how to explain it better than that. There wasn't a true negative feeling of "these are terrible people" but there was definitely an instant aversion to them when they sat beside me during the sermon. So I get to the front of the line and they become free. The people I had an instant reaction to. And I heard ever so clearly "no". The 10 seconds I stood and reasoned how to decline politely felt like an eternity. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't NOT walk over and have them pray for me. I was next in line and they were open. What could I do, right? 

Well, it was awful. Absolutely terrible. They prayed for me but I felt nothing. Not even a twinge of God in it. They'd prayed out of their own understanding without searching the Lord for any indication as to how He wanted to handle my situation. They'd stopped listening when I mentioned that I didn't go to church regularly. They didn't hear me when I said that God had freed me for now (and maybe forever) from the tradition of church-going so that I'd learn of Him by the means that He'd chosen for me during this time. (It's a long story - message me if you want to know about it.) They prayed that God would bless me and strengthen my heart, etc.....once I was back in church. I left there deflated, a little battered, disappointed and honestly, extremely pissed off. But now I'm glad that it happened for several reasons:

1. Living as I am now, I've been shown how the church operates to an outsider and it's not usually pleasant.
2. It showed me that people are afraid of things that don't fit into the status quo - whether at work, in society but for sure within the church. 
3. I could feel the difference between a prayer from their minds and one from their heart. We should always be asking God what He wants us to pray for when we are praying for others.
4. It allowed me the understanding that praying out loud in groups is for the benefit of the group. Yes, you are praying to God but you are also ministering to the people around you. People use prayer to gossip, admonish and chastise people. But we also need to be using it to uplift people. 
5. Prayer should always be spoken in love. Doesn't Corinthians say something about doing everything in love? If you do things without love, you're like a clanging cymbal - just noise. God does not care if it takes you an hour to hear what He has for you to pray for someone, He wants you to take the time to seek Him and lovingly minister to their spirits. We're out here fighting for our souls everyday - be kind. Realize what a privilege it is to seek the Father on behalf of someone. It's a HUGE privilege.
6. You don't have to accept what someone speaks over your life. If it is not of God, you block that mess out and keep it moving. What God has for you, is for you. What God has ordained for you to receive, it is for you to receive. This was not for me to receive. I knew it before I went up there.
7. Take courage in the fact that what people pray over you is reinterpreted by the Holy Spirit into groanings and utterings for your well-being. Prayer is for ministry and uplifting. Yes, the words that we pray mean something. They're important. They have weight. But when you don't know what to pray and you don't know how to find the right words, the HS backs you up and intercedes on your behalf. The words are for people and commanding things on earth be as they are in heaven (and vice versa). I'm still working through this - there's a post locked up inside of me waiting to get out.
8. We should settle into the fact that God meets us where we are and His timing is perfect. This was a lesson for me. I needed to understand what it feels like when God speaks to me. I ignored Him and ended up in bad situation. But at the same time, I found out that His timing is so perfect. The first service was a training moment (as my boss likes to say) and last night was the real deal.

Back to my story, one of the ladies that I'd felt should have prayed for me the first time was sitting behind me for this service!! It was amazing. She was warm and something about her invited me in. I asked her to pray with me and gave her the background of what had happened the first night. She immediately went to get someone else to pray with us. These two women prayed for me, spoke over me and ministered to me so dearly that I couldn't even speak. There were so many tears - healing tears. Things were confirmed for me that I'd been thinking about, that I'd questioned. It was amazing. 

In situations like that, people usually feel joyous and like they have seen the face of God. I didn't feel that. But I can tell you that I feel prepared. Called. Ready. Confirmed. Healed. And that I got what I came for. That's what I was supposed to receive the first time but I did things my way instead.

So I guess I say this to say, God is good. To you. To me. To our world. People wonder where God is and why He's not changing the world and preventing life-altering things from happening to us all of the time. My question to you is: Are you letting Him use you? Do you know what it feels like when God speaks to you? Do you step out and act when He speaks to you? Do you believe that He is who He says He is? Do you know God's love for you? Because out of His love, your love grows. And it's out of that love that you minister to people whether it's in prayer or practical, everyday life actions. God uses any and everything to reach us where we are. Prayer, listening and acting are how that happens. 

As I write this, I'm reminding myself of these things and vowing to change my perceptions. To go into every situation asking God how He wants to act, love and speak - then waiting for the answer. I want to be a conduit of change and love leaving a wake of healed souls behind me.  

Burning Bridges

Sometimes this song gets all shut up in my bones and I have to listen to it on repeat to push it out into the open. Because my hormones are raging, I have all the feels but totally don't want to talk about it. LOL...#somuchlovetogive  

(April 2008)

so i haven't talked to seri in about a week or so outside of work. he's still coming up to the cube to make small talk, still flirting with me when he sees me around the office, but still not calling me at a decent hour to talk. i don't get it. well, i get it, but don't understand why he's being such a douche. seriously. so i'm trying to breathe my way through the haziness of his behavior and decide what i want for me. and of course i keep waffling, because that's what i do. i was talking to my roomie about this on new year's eve shortly after the ball dropped and my lips had been pried open by the alcohol i'd consumed and she thinks that he likes me but feels he can't commit right now. that's girl speak for "he's just not that into you." because i think all of my guy friends would tell me to move on already without needing to hear everything that we've been through and talked about like the girls. i love rehashing all of that, but it's not healthy, you know? and i can only fight the crazy for so long before the rehashing and fairytale, imaginary relationship we have takes over and i become a stalker. by accident, of course. so i'm on a "no contact" initiative right now. "No dairy, no seri" is my current mantra for 2008. both give me an allergic reaction; one is just makes me emotionally gassy instead of physically. ( i'm so tired.) so anyways - i'm just kind of hanging out and waiting for the next booty call so i can say "seriously?! how many times can a woman say "no?!" so that's the seri update. i keep forgetting to put them on here. i have other news too, but maybe i'll post that later on today and make sure that i have something to talk about for the next few days... :-)

I'm ba-aaa-aaack!! well, kinda...

(Another old post from April 4, 2011 that was left as a draft. It's still so true for me even today. A lot of these "drafts" were posted and pulled back because I just felt so vulnerable. I'm learning to own my story and be grateful/give thanks for it as it's made me who I am. It's been a matter of learning that I'm not my mistakes. Once you take yourself out of that equation and realize that, it removes the shame....and that's where the freedom is.)


it's so funny how reading someone's blog can make you want to tell your story too. or again, in my case. i don't know how "honest" i want to be though. it's just too revealing. it's like putting your counseling sessions on the internet for everyone to read or bleeding all over the screen instead of the page of your journal. not sure how i feel about that right now. i have so many things churning in my brain right now; just begging to come out.

i guess i'll write this one and see where it takes me.

the biggest lesson that i've been learning lately, is that not everything is about me. And as crazy as that sounds...it's soooo true.

Discouragement or Being Realistic

So today, I've been thinking about discouragement and being realistic again. I was reading an article in O Magazine and had a quick series of thoughts come to mind that I wanted to get out.

I remember moving here to DC and telling someone that I was on the edge of something great and I didn't know what it was but I knew that God had something great here for me. The person that I was enthusiastically speaking to, told me in that "be realistic voice" that maybe it wasn't something huge, it could just be something small. She was trying to keep me from being disappointed - but was that necessary?

I don't think it was.

Why do we do that to people? Why are we always discouraging people from moving forward with their dreams or fully embracing their intuitive thoughts of the greatness that is coming within their lives? I know part of it is that we don't want to see someone we love hurt. We don't want people to get their hopes up only to find that they misread situations and yearnings that seemed so apparent and pulling at the time. I get it. Nobody wants their loved ones to hurt.

I think another reason we do this is jealousy. Many of us don't want anyone to be better than us. We wonder why this person has these feelings of greatness but we don't. We feel that we are being continuously handed the short end of the stick, I think. (I need to think about that more and flesh it out - but I think there's a lot of truth here).

So anywho - this all comes to mind to say that we need to stop. We need to stop discouraging people. We need to push people to live their dreams and push toward their intuitive leanings. What is that saying...? "If you reach for the moon but miss, at least you'll end up among the stars." (Something like that) Let's keep pushing people to be their best selves and really embrace their talents and completely perceive what their intuition (or God) is telling them to do. Almost everyone great who has had an amazing impact on the world has been deemed crazy to some degree. 

If we never take the chances necessary to become "great" we never will be.

Random Thoughts

And so, I've had these random thoughts in my phone for a while now. Whenever they pop up, I type them up. You're welcome for sharing my weirdness...

- As someone who has been blamed for the types of men that hit on her, I can now say that none of that has anything to do with me. Who hits on me has very little to do with me and everything to do with them. I am only responsible for who I allow into my space.


- There is a tendency within people to give advice instead of listening, to think as you're talking to separate themselves from your situation so they can fix it.What would happen if we listened when people spoke to us, allowed ourselves to really feel the emotions caused by the person's "story", asked if they needed advice or just an ear and simply put ourselves into their shoes within the moment they are sharing with us? I think our relationships and lives would be completely different.


- Perceive the world around you. Feel your way through your situations. Treat relationships like they are as important as they are - you know, with the appropriate level of importance. This is what life is about. Relationship. It should be top of mind to build and correct them at all times. We should be walking through life leaving strengthened and healed people in our wakes. Think about how special it is to be allowed into another person's life and experiences. 


- How to stay friends with a significant other after the relationship has ended: appreciate the intimacy that you have with that person and be thankful to have been able to get to know them on that level. 


- Instead of trying to figure out why you're the way you are based on the notion that something is wrong with you, celebrate it. Thank God for it and walk in it. Remember the moments of clarity and use them to keep you grounded in your purpose, walk and relationship with God.


- Listen to things that people choose to tell you. Perceive it and really reach for the notion behind it. Oversharers tend to be dealing with issues that are continuously one their mind. They're usually seeking help in navigating those waters, not reprimands for sharing what you consider to be TMI. They share until they find relief from their circumstances, memories and thoughts. As they are telling you their "story", you should be honored that they chose to come to you in their quest for healing. God has placed them in your path for a reason, ask why and reach for understanding. Also, just because you feel that someone is speaking on something too intimate for your relationship with them, doesn't make it so. Be conscious of your judgments of others. 


- People think that they change according to the situation that they're in, but they don't. The only change is their freedom to express the things inside openly and outwardly. But if you listen closely and pay attention to how you feel when you're around them, you'll know who they are regardless of their level of openness within any given situation.

...i'm a villain...

02.03.12

there's a story that's being written about me. it's about a girl that tries her hardest everyday only to find out that it's not enough. and not only is it not enough, it's criminal the way that she handles life.

05.14.12

i've been chronicling my life for years, using up journal after journal. writing down the emotions that seem to overwhelm me until i can't see the end of myself. singing and writing have always been my companions. my drugs of choice. so it's been odd that i haven't been indulging in either of those activities. right now i feel like my life is being swallowed whole by this huge life changing sorrow that i moved down to alleviate. it turns out that you can't help someone out of a bad place unless they want to leave it.

I'm releasing old drafts today...watch out!

06.22.13

I tend to stare in the mirror haphazardly. Waiting to become beautiful. Waiting for my features to soften and become feminine. I will my hair to soften and flow. Pull my waist in until my hips round and curve. Then I move. Round out my back, stretch my torso, frame my face with my arms and forget. I forget that I hate my body. Forget that my heart hurts. I feel. Sexy, Alive, soft, fluid. But most of all, I feel. It's dangerous. I get wreckless. I forget my awkwardness, my clumsiness. That I don't always know what to say. That I'm tender-hearted. And full of dichotomies. Opposites.

Look what I found! I wrote this on 5.24.12 and it rings true for me now even though I've moved to a new city since then. So interesting to see the hope of that time and the progress I've made since...

i became extremely stressed out yesterday for a few hours. thinking about my apartment and starting a new life. i'm terrified...and i have nothing. do you know how stressful it is? for real, i almost broke out in hives thinking about it.

i'm a firm believer in God working things out. bless my heart, the way i navigate through this world is atrocious. i live from the heart. if my heart doesn't feel what i'm writing, i erase it. what i'm singing, i turn the music off. what i'm watching, i change the channel. my heart is the well spring of my life and it's messy. i kind of tumble around loving people and things unabashedly throwing caution to the wind doing what feels right.
this has way of living has a tendency to be soooo very detrimental to any kind of plan that i could possibly put together which often leads me to having no plan. this stresses out everyone in my life.

i moved to chicago because i had a feeling God wanted me there. i hang out with people because i have a feeling they are just great people. i hug/call people because i feel like they need it. i talk to people on the street and smile from my heart because i just feel like it's necessary. i moved to GA because i felt like my heart would implode if i didn't. all of this has lead to where i am now.

without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out, as my dad would say.

which leads to my next moment of insanity. i've "claimed" an apt. i feel like this is the one. i feel like God's leading me here. i toured the facility but it was rushed and...not REALLY a tour. more of a "let me show you the largest apt which is nothing like the one that i'm going to offer you when we get back downstairs." but it was cool. i just accepted it because i knew that was home.

my new home.

and i feel the renewal creeping up behind me. the chance that so many people wish they could take...a chance to start over. to take this City by storm. to be the person God has planned for me to be. all of the regression i feel, the anger i've felt, the tears i've cried...they're all leading to this moment.

my moment of renewal.

i may not have toilet paper. or an iron. or furniture. but i'm so excited to start over. my life in chicago was becoming more counterfeit by the day. i was in love with a man that was in love with someone else. i was working at a job that wasn't suited for me. i had frenemies surrounding me and discussing my every move. my life right now is the real deal.

it's spacious and inviting. it's full of expectation and hi-fives. i have all the love i need and am surrounded by family and good people.

my heart. my expectation. my future. it's all bright. it's all right. it's a chance in a lifetime.