i woke up this morning wanting to blog and chronicle my life and thoughts again. i fumbled around my apt getting my laptop only to have sat for about an hour doing nothing. i read some old blogs of mine amazed at the things that i've said in the past - how bare i'd laid my life. i was interested in my story, amused at my shenanigans, but so overwhelmingly embarrassed at the complaining and grasping at straws that i've done.
last night while i was drinking, i realized that that is a pattern for me. this grasping of straws. i get to a certain point in a life situation where i feel like i've done all that i can do and i lose myself. normal just kind of stand...resolved to find a solution or come to an ultimatum. i freak out and grasp the situation so tightly that it slips out of my grasp like sand in a tightly closed fist. i just can't hold on to it.
so i've realized that's where i am right now and i'm letting go (i think). i need to let go. i'm putting myself into emotional and spiritual timeout (along with FaceBook). this walking wound needs to start healing. i'm done living by the seat of my pants and not being able to have a nice buzz going without it turning into a self-counseling moment.
