...no words...

i'm crying for my sister again. in my cube at work. pretending that no one sees me. it's so weird thinking that she is a widow. widow. the words bring tears to my eyes and a sharp, stabbing pain to my heart. my niece and nephew will forget the little things about their father that made him so special. his smile, the way he talked, his stance when he'd call them down the stairs. i just can't get over it.

i haven't cried this much in years. it seems like i cry every day now. i can't imagine how painful this must be for her. to have lost a part of her soul. they literally grew together. they were one person. they'd been together so long during those important years of supposed independence and life-changing experiences that they'd become intertwined. i already knew what he thought about a situation when i talked to her about anything - and vice versa. now that is gone and all that's left is her and the kids.

the thought rips my heart apart.

and oddly enough, i keep thinking that it's worth it. to love and lose. to have something so magnificent that the world stops turning when it's gone. the earth can't cry enough during a storm. to feel like breathing isn't even an option if they aren't near you.

she's lost right now and it scares me. it bothers me that i can't help. that all i can do is pray and talk and listen and pray and text and pray and listen and pray. sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. i wish i could reach into her heart and pull out the pain for just a moment. give her some release. help her to have one truly joyous moment where the thought of life just isn't too much. where she doesn't miss him.

but laughter hurts. tears hurts. worry hurts. breathing hurts. waking up hurts. life. hurts.

she said the other day, "...and i can't have the one thing that would make me feel better." what do you do with that? what can i do but pretend not to cry as i listen to her over the phone. i'm not even there to hug her and say "it's ok, let it out." as i rub her back gently.

Epiphany

I was sitting here thinking about self-control and how i have very little. most of my life reminds of this fact everyday.

- when i can't find something because i didn't put it away...
- when all of my dishes are dirty and i'm cooking dinner...
- when i don't want someone to come into my apartment because it's dirty...
- when my desk at work is unorganized because i didn't put things in their proper place...

It all comes down to self-control.

I have not an ounce in me. I was literally born with a self-control deficiency. Couple that with discipline and you have me in a nutshell.

So I was listening to this sermon about spiritual warfare, Satan, etc and it just hit me that one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. CRA-ZAY how my thoughts are all coming together on God and just life in general.

So the fruits of the Spirit are: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

When you become a Christian, you're told about the Holy Spirit being your helper and all of that - even that you should be exhibiting this behavior. But you are not told that you will naturally start to exhibit these qualities and now I'm thinking that that is what happens.


When you accept the truth about Jesus and God - you will receive the Holy Spirit who nudges you towards these things. He has a much larger role than what I'm about to describe but this is a facet of it as well. He becomes that still voice that tells you to calm down, go running, makes you question if eating chicken fingers everyday is good for your body (self-control). He reminds you that God's grace is sufficient (faithfulness). He helps you see that the storm doesn't last forever (longsuffering). He reminds you to care for those less fortunate (love) and that everyone deserves a basic level of respect despite their social station (kindness). So on and so forth - these are the best examples but I think you're picking up what I'm putting down. You begin to act in accordance with these things because he convicts you and lets you know what to do - and eventually, you don't need the nudge on those things anymore and He moves to deeper lessons.

Self-control is one area that He has been shining the light for me. When I eat, He reminds me to eat for fuel. When I'm sitting in my dirty apartment, He reminds me that God is not the author of chaos and my life, apartment, appearance - should all reflect that. And the thing that I love is that I don't have to come to Him with these things in place already. This comes naturally when you come to Him because he prods you and gently nudges you until it becomes apart of your character.

And that was my childlike lesson for the day. Maybe one day I'll move on to deeper spiritual things...

i've always known that i was a fighter. i'm not content to sit around and watch people suffer. i get righteously indignant when people are treated poorly, have no food or drink, can't afford to live in general while there are others prospering to the point of ridiculousness. i can't not say anything when someone is being disrespected. i can't just watch as someone is "ripped a new one" for a mistake. i was always taught that everyone deserves a certain level of respect - regardless of race, creed, station in life - and that we should never mistreat people (mostly because of our shared humanity, but also because you never know when you will need that person).

so that leads in to what i'm doing now. i'm sitting behind a desk typing a blog post that probably two or three people will ever read (myself included). there has to be a bigger purpose for me than this. i've felt it since i was small. i KNEW that i would grow up to do great things. i just didn't know what they would be. but i knew for certain that it would not be sitting behind a desk. i have just never been that person. i've never desired a corporate lifestyle. EVER. yet here i am wondering what went wrong and what needs to be done because all my life i've only wanted to help people.

when i was growing up and people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i'd say a doctor and a teacher. why? because i wanted to help people. who were my friends when i was in school moving around with the army from place to place? the unpopular kids. why? because i wanted to help them. when people get sick and i give them unsolicited advice, my reasoning - i just want to help them. that has been my mantra for my entire life. i just didn't know how to justify it. i didn't know what to do with it.

then there's the Peace Corps (that for some reason i always type Peach Corps) that i'm applying to. i'm a little stressed out because there's so much information to gather, organize and send out. but i also have peace and that means a lot.

so let's tie this all together shall we? a friend of mine sent me the following email today:
"Hey sister I'm just praying for you this morning. Last night the Lord gave me a picture of a desert, just the ground and it was all cracked and dry like clay. i didn't know what it was about but this morning He told me it was for you. So then this water came washing in-filling the cracks and covering the ground, but He specifically said "it's not rain." And that's about it."

such a simple email right? but i literally started crying. the things of God are so tender on my heart recently that any mention of His name wells me up. He is so good. He is so merciful. He is truly a partner but yet the driver. He drives and navigates on my behalf relieving so much stress and burden - and i truly don't know how to thank Him but through tears. (sorry for that sidetrack but it's so true). back to what i was saying: email, fighting, praying, Peace Corps - tying together...

the email was confirmation to me (at first glance) that God is filling in my gaps and although i may thirst, He is giving me an abundance of supply in what i need - knowledge of Him, provision, health, tenacity - you name it, i've got it.
fighting/praying - it is my calling to fight on other's behalf. i've been trying to put a title on it so i can have it as a profession: social work, counseling, healthcare and recently a stage or position of life: motherhood, sistering, friend.

problem: nothing fit. no title or specific station in life - nothing.

until today. intercessory prayer. i am a crisis intercessor like my mother. that woman is best friends with Jesus. he wakes her in the middle of the night to pray for hours. he nudges her heart to call me when i'm having a bad day. it's amazing and so encouraging that he's placed me on her heart and now even my friend's heart. so basically a crisis intercessor is "someone who prays for people when they have a crisis in their life. these prayers are decisive and at a critical moment. Many times it can be for life and death situations. They pray and pray and when it is over they may never pray for that person again. When God brings someone's face before us, it is to pray. Pray that the Holy Spirit makes us sensitive."

i know this is not an authoritative word on intercessory prayer but it fits so nicely. the tie in with peace corps is that the people of the world touch my heart. And i need time alone with God - what better way to do that than to join an organization that sends me to a place where there is little outside distraction than what he has called me there to do. i'll actually be immersed in prayer just to adapt to wherever i'd be sent.

i don't know. this is all preliminary. i'm open to suggestions as to what i should do and what God's plan for me is.

i'm open Lord.