Eating Disorders: Control Issue?

I've been thinking about this for some time now and wanted to think "out loud" this time. The cliche answer as to why people have eating disorders and/or can't let them go is based on control. They say that when people's lives are in a downward spiral and they need something that they can grab a hold of like an emotional security blanket, something they can direct and move around the way they want, that's when eating disorder flourish. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think control is the most basic symptom that's hidden beneath the layers. It's the first brick of this soul-sucking house but it's not the foundation. Ever since patient x confided that she makes herself throw up or doesn't eat because she needs to feel like she's in control of her life, the medical community has hung their hats on that. They've made case after case backing this theory up and making it seem like people are just hyper type A and want to be in full control of their lives at all times. There's truth in this but what's the underlying cause of this symptom even?

Self-worth.

It's not about the control or the food or the weight or the exercise. It's about how they ultimately feel about themselves and the subsequent inherent value that they have. They don't feel worthy to take up space. They don't feel worthy to fully own the bodies that they live in. They don't feel worthy to embody the full range of emotions that make up the human experience. When your self-worth is in a negative range, you start reaching out into the darkness of life seeking to control all of the things that remind you that you deserve better than your current circumstances. You start strangling the happiness around you. You start embodying the darkness. You begin to accept that the space you take up is too large and impactful - and it hurts. People shouldn't notice you the way that they do and you begin to shrink yourself. This is where the control comes in. 

It's almost accidental the way the control becomes a master. It starts slowly and feeds on the negative thoughts and energy emanating from their being/spirit. It grows into this beast that they can't control - no pun intended. As they shrink from the greatness of their identity, it starts to kill their birthright. By the time, they are actually able to see it, it's too late. The monster has grown and destroyed their perception of life. They can no longer handle this thing they've created to solve their temporary problems. The security blanket is now smothering them. 

So how do we fix this? 
1. Remind people of who they are. Show them they are created in the image of God - even if they don't believe in Him.
2. Give them permission to have pride in themselves. Remind them of their gifts/talents and give them permission to feel pride in those things without judgement. 
3. Protect them. They need a safe place to experience their full range of emotions. It's not enough to show them they are good enough - they need to be able to feel that fully as they get back on their feet emotionally. They will feel like they are being conceited and beat themselves up for beginning to love themselves. Each step forward will be accompanied by shame and self-defeat.
4. Be an advocate. Throughout their illness, they've had people confront them about their self-destruction in ways they found to be accusatory. Encourage them in their recovery. When they fall back or slip up your tones and ear need to be judgement-free. Again, you need to be a safe place for them. Don't bring up past hurts. Don't tell them they'll never get over it. They need hope and peace - not betrayal.

There are so many other things that we should be doing. This list is not an end all, be all...it's a start. What are some other ways that we can help those with eating disorders recover?

Spaces

On my way to work this morning, I felt like I needed to be watching traffic. Not so much for safety but for a pattern – aka life lesson. So I did (while I basked in the greatness that is Jill Scott). Once I began to pay attention, it didn’t take long for me to notice the spaces between all of the vehicles accompanying me on my commute to work and noting how quickly they were being filled and how people were protecting the spaces in front of them while they dodged in and out of traffic. So that’s what I’d like to talk about today. Space.

I noticed as I was driving this morning that in order to move forward in traffic, I had to fill an empty space. Sometimes that meant moving forward and filling a gap that was already there. The easiest method by far – and a crowd favorite. Sometimes, though, it meant creating a space to fill which the more aggressive among us are so skilled in doing. If there’s space you’d like to fill and there’s not enough room, I’ve found that nosing the front of your car in is an effective way to get to where you’d want to be. But in order to keep anyone else from pushing you back to where you were, you need to protect your space. You keep the distance between you and the car in front of you small and tight, then you mirror their driving style in order to maintain your position. This keeps people from inserting themselves into your “way” and delaying your commute in any way.

I’ve been learning that in order to draw new things and people into our lives, we have to create space for them. Sometimes, we decide that we want something and there is already room in our lives for that thing, life situation or acquisition. That’s the crowd pleaser. The easy way, if you will. And then there’s the life that is full. To the brim. But you want more. You want better. But it’s just not coming. Whether it’s in a form that works for you or at all. You’re not seeing whatever you’re searching for manifest within your life. You know what you need to do? Make space. Nose your way in there and protect your space.

Creating space in your life (the nose-in) seems so difficult but it’s so simple in theory. It’s the action that’s so difficult. It’s a practice of putting yourself first and deciding to get rid of anything within your life that looks like or impedes the pathway of the thing that you’ve been yearning for. Simpler way of putting it, you have to put away the things that no longer serve you. Get rid of that man who only calls when he’s bored. Let go of that job that sucks up all of your time with nonsense. Let go of the self-doubt that says that you’ll never realize your dream of running a marathon. And watch the universe converge to bring you the desires of your heart. Watch the laws of attraction bring you a husband, your dream job and help you to run that marathon. It’s that simple. But you have to really want it. There’s power in creating space for the things we want.

Second part to the “nose-in” is protection. Be protective of the time that you devote to acquiring the thing that you’re yearning for – as well as the space, once you’ve created it in your life. In traffic, "safe" people tend to leave a lot of room between their car and the next but they have a hard time protecting that space when they see someone trying to come in. So it's best to keep these things close. You can't protect anything from a long distance. So maybe that looks like keeping things tight to your chest and making it sacred. There will be things/people that will come to distract you and try to fill in the gap for you with themselves and their “stuff”. Take care not to allow people to cheapen this experience through their opinions, guilt-rendering and gossiping tongues. Just sit back and watch the universe rush to bring you all that you’ve been longing and asking for.

The start and stop of traffic can be a painful thing to endure, especially in inclement weather where it feels that your life is on the line. But moving forward, I think it will be a constant reminder to be vigilant of the spaces in life that we squander and fill with unnecessary clutter. Keep yourself open to what you’ve been waiting for and create space for it. It’s coming.

Healing

Dear Me,

I am finally ready to heal you. Don't be alarmed at the pain buried deep within your psyche - it's there for growth. It's time to release it and move forward. It will hurt in the moment but you'll be so strong once you get to the other side. So hang in there. Be patient with yourself and lean in close. God is here. He's been waiting for us to be ready. So, let's do this. Let's lay this thing bare. Don't be afraid to be hurt. Breathe and let the contractions ebb and flow. At the end of the pain is progress. Your destiny. The greatness that's been laying in wait deep within your bones and your soul. It is the fire that burns behind your eyes and presses your forward when you're at the end of yourself. You've felt that tingle and seen the flashes. It's time now to walk, move, breathe and live in it. 
Let's pause...

Hey
It's me
I'm calling
To schedule
A nervous
No, make that necessary
Breakdown
I won't be answering anything
I'll be so busy 
With my knees on the ground
And my hands
Up towards the clouds
Confessing out loud
Confessing out loud that
I ain't too proud
To say I'm slipping, tripping
So I'm calling to schedule
A very necessary
Breakdown
Leave me alone
Now

A Love Affair

I'm trying to love my body. But I think I'm doing it wrong. All of these years, I've been thinking that I need to love the way it looks. That I need to be proud of this weight I've gained that won't go away. I've been buying clothes that "make me feel good". I've been planning trips and taking pictures - like photo shoot pictures.

But I've realized this morning that I've been doing this all wrong. I've been focusing on what it looks like instead of what it can do. Don't get me wrong, I have had moments of clarity in appreciating what it can do, how it moves and functions. But they were few and far between, muddled with conditions, misunderstandings and deafening passivity. 

(Sorry - if this seems jumbled - but I'm kind of thinking out loud here.)

This morning, I've been thinking about how my body works. I've been reading a book called Woman Code by Alisa Vitti which talks about how to eat to balance your hormones during the female monthly hormone cycle. This information has blown my mind and really opened my eyes to how it feels to be intuitive about your body. And also, it gives you permission to work with your body using your intuition. It's amazing. Who knew that we would ever need permission to listen to our bodies?? But you do. 

In today's world, we need permission to do everything. To love ourselves at larger sizes, to eat food that makes our bodies feel good without explanation/excuse, to do exercises that allow our bodies to bloom in function and release stress. It's a lot (for lack of a better term) and puts immense pressure on us to conform to a worldly standard. It's weird. Instead of looking at a larger body and saying, something is off within your system to allow you to maintain an unhealthy weight, we look at them and say "ew, fat! gross!" It's so odd to me. Our bodies are amazing! They tell us what they want, what they need and what kills it. We just don't listen.

Today, I'm making the pledge to turn off the tv, shut down social media and focus on myself. I want to know myself intimately. I want my body and mind to be so connected that I can immediately tell when I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me, but also know what types of foods allow my body to thrive. I invite you to do the same. Maybe we'll spark a revolution!

Beautiful. Sensual. Healthy: A Reflection on Journey

My lips are powerful. Sometimes when I'm not paying attention, my lips tighten and purse. Usually, as ideas are floating through my brain and causing my mind to whirl. It's like they're tightening around a thought so brilliant, it's likely to escape without proper protection. Other times they stretch and pull around my teeth, creating a smile that comes from the heart and brightens my eyes leaving others to wonder if the twinkle they see on my face has been pulled from the sky. I was recently complimented on them during a photo shoot and allowed to take a long hard look to see what others see when they look at me and I saw it. I saw that when I let them relax and part ever so slightly, they are beautiful. I saw that their natural outline creates a path that begs to be touched, traced and kissed. I understood how their softness when kissed would make you long for more and never get enough. I saw...beautiful.

...

In this moment, I want to text a man who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I want him to text me back the things that will make my heart melt and my insides tingle. I want to be fully uninhibited with him, knowing that I'm safe to be freely me. I want his texts to ignite a flame between my thighs that sends a blush up to my cheeks and cautionary glance around me. A sensual secret. A secret so potent that I can't sit still and so sensual that I feel like a spicy cloud of cinnamon is wafting from my every move enticing those around me with its fragrance. 

...

Boundaries. They're wonderful, helpful and healthy. When people disregard our boundaries, it makes us angry. It irritates us. It annoys us. It's a human response to a violation of space and well-being: spiritual, physical and mental. I yearn to understand boundaries intimately. I want to be fluid enough to realize that when I butt up against someone's expectations, it has less to do with me and more to do with their sense of self-substantiated well-being. I want to offer them the protection of a clear distinction of themselves. A distinction that honors who they are within a safe, ego-less space but allows me permission to be my protected, honored self as well.

...

"And then it came to me, like an epiphany..." - Chrisette Michelle, Epiphany (I'm Leaving)

There is no great science to empathy. You don’t need a degree to know how to care for someone or put yourself in their shoes. Empathy is about imagination. If you've ever been in love, then you should be able to imagine how terrible it would be to have that bond broken. If you've ever loved a child, you should be able to imagine how heart-wrenching it would be to lose the love and trust of that small person. 

I had an epiphany the other day about love and relationships. I was talking to a friend about this guy that I like. She's a great person but I realized as I was talking to her that she was unyielding. And I think that may be why she's still single. It just kind of hit me. Not in a judgmental way because I'm still single too. But I think in general, there are a lot of women that are still single because they're too rigid about the wrong things. 

There is an ebb and flow to everything. Life. Love. We need to remember to exercise that in our communication with people. Sometimes, you have to take a chance on a good person. Become intentional about making something work with them.

There are certainly going to be deal breakers. There are going to be men that you shouldn't take a chance on. There are going to be people that don't live up to the potential that would make a love for them soar. Those are the times when rigidity helps. But sometimes, you have to relax and remember what's important. You may find the perfect guy but he smokes and you can't handle that. Maybe if he knew how you felt, he'd work through a cessation program to be with you. 

Let's stop writing good people off without giving them a fighting chance.