i don't know what i believe anymore about anything. love, men, family...God... everything is just up in the air right now

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means?

i'm tired. i just went on a mini tirade about being independent but i erased it. it's not worth being said. i need rest and i'm taking the weekend to get it. i'm turning off my phone, the tv, the radio and just spending time with me. i need it. i can't hear myself think here lately. i think the only reason that i know i'm sad half the time is because my body cries to release the tension that my mind hasn't acknowledged.

i'm still sad. but most of the time it's ok. there are different reasons each time - none of them pertaining to him but at the same time completely rolled up in him. at first it was the "i can't believe you chose her over me" cry which translates into "i'll never be good enough". then there was the "glad i could be a ho for you on occasion" cry which translates into "can't believe i let you use me". lately there's been the "i'm going to have to suck it up and take care of myself forever" cry. this one has not been so bad. it's actually allowed me to heal for the most part and just realize that nothing else has to be said, i don't owe explanations, i don't have to take anyone else into consideration. i am who i am and i'm going to do what i need to do to make it.

i'm independent.

that means that i fight for myself. i take responsibility for myself. i pick myself up when i fall. i comfort myself when i'm hurting. i treat myself to dinner, a movie and some good loving afterwards.

i was looking down the cliff on this and thinking that life was just over without someone to share everything with. but it's not true. i share these things with someone every day. i lean on someone every day. i fight side-by-side with someone every day.

i may feel alone sometimes and that's ok.
i may long to be held sometimes and that's ok.
i may want someone to fight for me sometimes and that's ok.
i may just need a break from life sometimes and that's ok.

i have to do what's best for me at all times. other people's opinions be damned.

ok - so maybe the tirade wasn't over after all...

my last post was a little depressing but totally what i was feeling at the time. i haven't been crying much but was totally in the midst of a downpour that day. today i feel strong and myself. that day, i felt weak and so small. i'm living a life of complete dichotomy and it's annoying. esp for someone who analyzes everything such as i do.

so i've been thinking about my life. what i want to do. where i want to go. where i want to be. love and how i feel about it. it's getting cold now - time to couple up and hibernate. i need activity. i need to not sit in my apt twiddling my thumbs. life is too short. i feel like i've been wasting time. i've always got have a goal. i need to always be working toward something - some sort of goal and...i have nothing. i've been wracking my brain and wracking my brain and haven't been able to come up with anything.

so my next goal is to figure out what my next goal is.

he got married.

i've been crying.

funny how care sneaks up on you.

bleeding heart

so funny that a year ago i was putting seri in the friend box never to be heard of again and today i am grieving his recent marriage to "her". honestly, i didn't think it would bother me. i thought i was strong enough to handle it. i thought that i had sufficiently locked up my heart and made it so impenetrable even houdini couldn't break out. but apparently that was not to be the case.

i'm at work updating my blog. i'm working late because i came in late today. i haven't done that for a long time but today, i could not force myself to get going. it's like when you're little and you force down the last of your brusselsprouts almost every time but then there's that one time that you just can't? you know that you'll throw up if you eat that last bite...yep that's how i was feeling this morning. i'm tired. physiclly tired in ways i didn't know i could be. i think it's because of my recent emotional drownings. i feel fine emotionally now, but we'll see if that changes come Tuesday. that's when reality comes marching into work and slaps me across the face with his apparent happiness. i'm hoping to be fine with it. but you can never tell until you're in the situation.

other than that, i'm doing just fine. life is fine. but i've been thinking of starting over. i don't know if that means that i would just do school or if i would be moving to another state. drama. the main thing keeping me here is fear. i don't want to move and find a new job. it's not even the thought of finding new friends, it's the moving that i hate. maybe i can pay someone to move me and set up my apt for me. i want nice furniture and a place that's mine. maybe i'll buy something. good old commitment phobe just thought about buying a house. i don't think it's the house that i'm looking for. it's stability. i don't have that right now - well, ok, i do have it but not in the way that i want it. hmm...i'm having epiphanies all over the place today. that's one for another day.

i am officially the worst blog updater ever. EV. ER.

i've been having the best and hardest summer of my life. i've been stretched in ways i have yet to understand but have also learned so many thing about myself and humanity in general.

my biggest lesson to date is that loneliness can make you turn your back on your morals. it's hard to say that out loud which is why i'm typing it. i have made so many mistakes over the past two years that i don't even know where to start the story of telling them. but one thing that has kept me sane recently is that God loves me. even though i have been gone for so long and sometimes feel so numb, he always finds a way to let me feel his smile and wraps me up in him. it's comforting to know that he's always there as lately i've been feeling so beside myself with the counterfeit-ism that is my life.

anyway...

i just got back from visiting a friend in FL for five days. so great and relaxing. it was nice to think while sitting at the beach. to not worry was a vacation in itself. then it was time to go. to come back to the chi and i realized that this place makes me very sad. mostly because of me and my choices i think. so my type A personality feels the need to go about fixing these things. but when i think about where to start, i get overwhelmed which leads to being tired and wanting to sleep.

blah.

i think that's the best update that i can give right now. i'm in reflective mode again and hoping to turn some things around and get back to what makes me happy.

i was reading a friend's blog and started to feel so poetic and wanted to write about what was going on in my life. but then i realized that my life is sooo boring when i write it down. when i'm telling people, it's great. writing, however, is not my forte.

life has been fine though. i'm planning my summer trip to GA to see the fam. so that is fun. i'm really excited about that. my family from Philly is coming down and we're making it into a kind of family reunion. it's going to be great. i miss them so much and hate that i don't see them often. but i'm making a point to change that. so that's fun. i'm in the throes of packing and getting ready for my trip. which has gone as it always does...i have plans of what i'm going to do leading up to the night before i leave. none of those things will be done until the day before i leave. this time i'm trying not to stress myself out about it though. if it doesn't get done before i leave, it's ok. it's not like i have a pet or child to take care of. it'll be there when i get back - whatever it is.

i'm still bellydancing. which i still love. it's so fun and makes me feel so good. definitely prepares me for the week ahead and keeps me eating what i want when i want without completely blowing up. also, i've become "sultry" which is fun. i still haven't reached "sexy" status - but i'm on my way there. i have my first show in August which has me freaked out yet so excited. i get to wear a costume and everything.

what else...? there's always so much going on but i can't think of any of it right now. i hate that. blah. well that will have to do as my lunch hour is almost up and well, being on the internet is kind of "frowned upon" when you complain about how busy you are. :-)

LOVE

i'm back and i'm sure there's no one that reads this anymore. but i thought i'd write anyways. i have a lot on my mind right now.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?