I was reading another blog tonight and decided that it was time. time to love myself. as i am. for real this time. i realized while reflecting on one of the posts, that i've been apologizing since i got here.
for huge life-altering happenings. for being too self-sufficient. for not being self-sufficient enough. for missing chicago. for not loving atlanta. for being too family-oriented. for being too fun. for not being fun enough. for being sensitive and intuitive. for being my own person really.
and it wasn't just at home - it was at work too. i was expected to work around the clock and get everything done to perfection. to understand everyone's idiosyncrasies and sensitivities but still run a department as the lone staffer. to excel at a job without training or history - but when i've jumped in, was told that i was erasing months of other people's work.
it's been frustrating and exhausting. i've felt trapped and bamboozled. i've fought off fear and bitterness. i've eaten and drank my feelings for a little over a year now. but that's over. i'm changing that today. no excuses.
i love my family but i can't apologize for the bad things that have happened to us anymore. they're not my fault. i didn't create these hellish circumstances. i didn't rip your heart out and stomp on it. i tried to love you back to life.
i appreciate my job but i can't apologize for not receiving training in the job that i've been hired to do. i can't apologize for the sensitivities that some may have in their jobs because their friends have been laid off or they've been asked to do more than their job descriptions.
i don't own the responsibility for any of these things and i need to stop trying to. no more appeasement.
i don't know when i became this person but she has got to go.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Merry Christmas Seri
i did it. i texted seri "merry christmas". it was nothing...and everything. all. at. once. i had a slight meltdown in april (the first of 3 to be had in 2012) with him and told him to just leave me alone - for real - forever. and my heart broke. i instantly regretted it. years of memories and untruths and butterflies and fights and sweet kisses and bashfulness and passion and tears...all flooded through my heart that weekend and were swept away through the tears that fell from my eyes. i hadn't spoken to him since except to text him drunkenly to say that i was coming to visit - back in august. i prayed that he would respond but for once he didn't. the one time in 5 years, he didn't respond. 5 years.
on christmas, i broke. i'd been thinking about him for months - wondering how he was doing and praying he was ok. i texted and he responded. my world tilted a little and my heart sang. i felt like all the forgiveness that i'd wanted from him was given and we were ok. never again the same - but ok.
if i never hear from him again, i can honestly say that he was everything (up to his point in my life). i used to think that was so sad. that i would place someone like him above everything that i've ever wanted for myself or how i wanted people to perceive me. but now, i can say that i loved him. with everything that i had. i forced myself to be calm when i didn't want to be. i prayed for him when he'd broken my heart. i cried for him when he wouldn't cry for himself.
i cared whether his mom had insurance or diabetes testing strips. i cared whether he had a good relationship with his kids. i cared when work wasn't good. i made him text me when he drove home drunk. he kissed me so sweet when he'd leave me. he made sure i was ok every day after Jay passed. of all the ways he loved me, that was the sweetest one. i will forever be indebted to him for that. when my heart was at it's lowest, he cared.
i will never understand why it didn't work and why he didn't choose me. but i'm thankful that i loved him. i truly am. my heart still hurts sometimes but i'm thankful. my emotions that weekend were so raw and exposed but it was worth it. all 5 years were worth it. i've never said it out loud. i've never dared tell anyone that i loved a liar, a conniving womanizing man. but i did. i do.
i'll never be the same because of that love for him. i sacrificed who i was to love him. i sacrificed my heart to love him. i knew that he didn't feel like anyone loved him and i made sure to let him feel what love was truly like. i wanted to be a conduit - and i was. it's been a year of pain that i wish i could take back from him and me.
one day i'll look back and realize that my love for him was the first step to perfecting the love that belongs to my husband. one day i will wake up on christmas and not feel the need to make him feel my presence. one day i will forget his phone number and won't regret not having written it down. one day i will write a post reflecting on how my life has turned out and no tears will fall when i think of him. one day we'll both be fine. one day..."merry christmas" won't hurt so bad.
Merry Christmas Seri
on christmas, i broke. i'd been thinking about him for months - wondering how he was doing and praying he was ok. i texted and he responded. my world tilted a little and my heart sang. i felt like all the forgiveness that i'd wanted from him was given and we were ok. never again the same - but ok.
if i never hear from him again, i can honestly say that he was everything (up to his point in my life). i used to think that was so sad. that i would place someone like him above everything that i've ever wanted for myself or how i wanted people to perceive me. but now, i can say that i loved him. with everything that i had. i forced myself to be calm when i didn't want to be. i prayed for him when he'd broken my heart. i cried for him when he wouldn't cry for himself.
i cared whether his mom had insurance or diabetes testing strips. i cared whether he had a good relationship with his kids. i cared when work wasn't good. i made him text me when he drove home drunk. he kissed me so sweet when he'd leave me. he made sure i was ok every day after Jay passed. of all the ways he loved me, that was the sweetest one. i will forever be indebted to him for that. when my heart was at it's lowest, he cared.
i will never understand why it didn't work and why he didn't choose me. but i'm thankful that i loved him. i truly am. my heart still hurts sometimes but i'm thankful. my emotions that weekend were so raw and exposed but it was worth it. all 5 years were worth it. i've never said it out loud. i've never dared tell anyone that i loved a liar, a conniving womanizing man. but i did. i do.
i'll never be the same because of that love for him. i sacrificed who i was to love him. i sacrificed my heart to love him. i knew that he didn't feel like anyone loved him and i made sure to let him feel what love was truly like. i wanted to be a conduit - and i was. it's been a year of pain that i wish i could take back from him and me.
one day i'll look back and realize that my love for him was the first step to perfecting the love that belongs to my husband. one day i will wake up on christmas and not feel the need to make him feel my presence. one day i will forget his phone number and won't regret not having written it down. one day i will write a post reflecting on how my life has turned out and no tears will fall when i think of him. one day we'll both be fine. one day..."merry christmas" won't hurt so bad.
Merry Christmas Seri
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