went out with a new friend last night. just wasn't the same as going out with old friends. didn't click the way i thought we would and that was...disappointing. at best. while they were talking, i realized that i'm just me. i don't impress people. i don't always get the good laugh. i don't always come through. but that's just me. my hair is curly and "natural". i'm hippy and will never be a size 4. i'm southern and have a slight accent (when i'm home or with sara anyways). i'm just a tad bit obnoxious. i'll talk you into oblivion about nothing when i'm tired. i do what i can for my friends to the point of putting myself out completely. and i hold grudges longer than most people have worn blue eye shadow. i'm quirky and i love it. it's just me. i sat there last night while this person tried to impress me with their promiscuity, drunkeness, and tales of how they are always getting high with their friends in the City. it was tiring, but made me glad to be me. i'm glad that i've never truly worked hard to impress. i've never had the feeling that i had to be more than i was for most people. it felt good being me.

i realized last night that my soul is settled. my spirit is at peace. i'm nestled into God -even at the furthest moments and the farthest places. grace, mercy, love, faith...his banner over me is love. may you walk in the dust of your rabbi. peace be with you - and also with you. be still and know that i am god. a quiet and gentle strength. as for me and my house, we will serve the lord.

again thinking and thinking and thinking...i need better understanding of how this all works. what the reality of this whole thing is. how to gauge where i am and what i'm doing. hmm...the wheel never stops turning, but it's good to know that it's turning in Him.

so i've been thinking lately about how little i think of god. i always say that i should be walking in this truth of who says that i am. but for whatever reason i repeatedly don't do it. i don't know if i'm afraid to or if it's my "flesh" or if i'm even just selfish. but i need to do something. i need to move. i dare me. (get it? get it? - dare you to move...?). anyways, if i believe that god is who he says he is, i'd move. i'd walk with him as my guide. completely and utterly useless without his guidance. i'd be a spiritual toucan sam. living by the spirit instead of societal standards and should do's.

side note: i sometimes feel intuition, premonitions, etc are the spirit poking through our reality. i haven't completely thought it through yet. but it's like the spirit touches your mind for just an instant and leaves you reeling as to what's just happened as if to communicate that it is really there. it's not a figment of the imagination. it's not just a thing people have made up.

i am craving cheezits so badly right now.

also, gave the pastor guy my myspace account. we'll see if he keeps emailing me. if he doesn't (which i don't think he will) then maybe i'll change my mind about dating pastors. i'll keep you updated.

i'm tired. it'll pass. it's that tired you feel when you've been running around conquering the world, finding cures for what ails you, fixing the unfixable problems of the world...

but i'm good.

i love getting things done. getting things accomplished. but right now i just want to go home. go to bed. but i know i need to get this thing in gear, catch a second wind, and move it on along to get some other things done. this is the time for getting things done. i feel like my life is a series of lists right now. and i'm checking things off left and right.

in the midst of checking things off of my list, i haven't been sleeping well. which sucks most of the time, but redeemed itself the other night when i got to talk to D-Dog for a while. God really is good. and He's brought all of my friends into my life for a purpose. i'm learning to trust His decisions and judgments. and i'm learning that when i think i'm doing this thing right, that's when i'm most wrong about the life that i'm living. that's when i've become vain and built myself up as the answer to the world's problems instead of allowing Christ to step in where he is needed.

i have so much to learn.