i'm tired. i just went on a mini tirade about being independent but i erased it. it's not worth being said. i need rest and i'm taking the weekend to get it. i'm turning off my phone, the tv, the radio and just spending time with me. i need it. i can't hear myself think here lately. i think the only reason that i know i'm sad half the time is because my body cries to release the tension that my mind hasn't acknowledged.
i'm still sad. but most of the time it's ok. there are different reasons each time - none of them pertaining to him but at the same time completely rolled up in him. at first it was the "i can't believe you chose her over me" cry which translates into "i'll never be good enough". then there was the "glad i could be a ho for you on occasion" cry which translates into "can't believe i let you use me". lately there's been the "i'm going to have to suck it up and take care of myself forever" cry. this one has not been so bad. it's actually allowed me to heal for the most part and just realize that nothing else has to be said, i don't owe explanations, i don't have to take anyone else into consideration. i am who i am and i'm going to do what i need to do to make it.
i'm independent.
that means that i fight for myself. i take responsibility for myself. i pick myself up when i fall. i comfort myself when i'm hurting. i treat myself to dinner, a movie and some good loving afterwards.
i was looking down the cliff on this and thinking that life was just over without someone to share everything with. but it's not true. i share these things with someone every day. i lean on someone every day. i fight side-by-side with someone every day.
i may feel alone sometimes and that's ok.
i may long to be held sometimes and that's ok.
i may want someone to fight for me sometimes and that's ok.
i may just need a break from life sometimes and that's ok.
i have to do what's best for me at all times. other people's opinions be damned.
ok - so maybe the tirade wasn't over after all...
