(April 2008)
so i haven't talked to seri in about a week or so outside of work. he's still coming up to the cube to make small talk, still flirting with me when he sees me around the office, but still not calling me at a decent hour to talk. i don't get it. well, i get it, but don't understand why he's being such a douche. seriously. so i'm trying to breathe my way through the haziness of his behavior and decide what i want for me. and of course i keep waffling, because that's what i do. i was talking to my roomie about this on new year's eve shortly after the ball dropped and my lips had been pried open by the alcohol i'd consumed and she thinks that he likes me but feels he can't commit right now. that's girl speak for "he's just not that into you." because i think all of my guy friends would tell me to move on already without needing to hear everything that we've been through and talked about like the girls. i love rehashing all of that, but it's not healthy, you know? and i can only fight the crazy for so long before the rehashing and fairytale, imaginary relationship we have takes over and i become a stalker. by accident, of course. so i'm on a "no contact" initiative right now. "No dairy, no seri" is my current mantra for 2008. both give me an allergic reaction; one is just makes me emotionally gassy instead of physically. ( i'm so tired.) so anyways - i'm just kind of hanging out and waiting for the next booty call so i can say "seriously?! how many times can a woman say "no?!" so that's the seri update. i keep forgetting to put them on here. i have other news too, but maybe i'll post that later on today and make sure that i have something to talk about for the next few days... :-)
Thursday, February 26, 2015
I'm ba-aaa-aaack!! well, kinda...
(Another old post from April 4, 2011 that was left as a draft. It's still so true for me even today. A lot of these "drafts" were posted and pulled back because I just felt so vulnerable. I'm learning to own my story and be grateful/give thanks for it as it's made me who I am. It's been a matter of learning that I'm not my mistakes. Once you take yourself out of that equation and realize that, it removes the shame....and that's where the freedom is.)
it's so funny how reading someone's blog can make you want to tell your story too. or again, in my case. i don't know how "honest" i want to be though. it's just too revealing. it's like putting your counseling sessions on the internet for everyone to read or bleeding all over the screen instead of the page of your journal. not sure how i feel about that right now. i have so many things churning in my brain right now; just begging to come out.
it's so funny how reading someone's blog can make you want to tell your story too. or again, in my case. i don't know how "honest" i want to be though. it's just too revealing. it's like putting your counseling sessions on the internet for everyone to read or bleeding all over the screen instead of the page of your journal. not sure how i feel about that right now. i have so many things churning in my brain right now; just begging to come out.
i guess i'll write this one and see where it takes me.
the biggest lesson that i've been learning lately, is that not everything is about me. And as crazy as that sounds...it's soooo true.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Discouragement or Being Realistic
So today, I've been thinking about discouragement and being realistic again. I was reading an article in O Magazine and had a quick series of thoughts come to mind that I wanted to get out.
I remember moving here to DC and telling someone that I was on the edge of something great and I didn't know what it was but I knew that God had something great here for me. The person that I was enthusiastically speaking to, told me in that "be realistic voice" that maybe it wasn't something huge, it could just be something small. She was trying to keep me from being disappointed - but was that necessary?
I don't think it was.
Why do we do that to people? Why are we always discouraging people from moving forward with their dreams or fully embracing their intuitive thoughts of the greatness that is coming within their lives? I know part of it is that we don't want to see someone we love hurt. We don't want people to get their hopes up only to find that they misread situations and yearnings that seemed so apparent and pulling at the time. I get it. Nobody wants their loved ones to hurt.
I think another reason we do this is jealousy. Many of us don't want anyone to be better than us. We wonder why this person has these feelings of greatness but we don't. We feel that we are being continuously handed the short end of the stick, I think. (I need to think about that more and flesh it out - but I think there's a lot of truth here).
So anywho - this all comes to mind to say that we need to stop. We need to stop discouraging people. We need to push people to live their dreams and push toward their intuitive leanings. What is that saying...? "If you reach for the moon but miss, at least you'll end up among the stars." (Something like that) Let's keep pushing people to be their best selves and really embrace their talents and completely perceive what their intuition (or God) is telling them to do. Almost everyone great who has had an amazing impact on the world has been deemed crazy to some degree.
If we never take the chances necessary to become "great" we never will be.
I remember moving here to DC and telling someone that I was on the edge of something great and I didn't know what it was but I knew that God had something great here for me. The person that I was enthusiastically speaking to, told me in that "be realistic voice" that maybe it wasn't something huge, it could just be something small. She was trying to keep me from being disappointed - but was that necessary?
I don't think it was.
Why do we do that to people? Why are we always discouraging people from moving forward with their dreams or fully embracing their intuitive thoughts of the greatness that is coming within their lives? I know part of it is that we don't want to see someone we love hurt. We don't want people to get their hopes up only to find that they misread situations and yearnings that seemed so apparent and pulling at the time. I get it. Nobody wants their loved ones to hurt.
I think another reason we do this is jealousy. Many of us don't want anyone to be better than us. We wonder why this person has these feelings of greatness but we don't. We feel that we are being continuously handed the short end of the stick, I think. (I need to think about that more and flesh it out - but I think there's a lot of truth here).
So anywho - this all comes to mind to say that we need to stop. We need to stop discouraging people. We need to push people to live their dreams and push toward their intuitive leanings. What is that saying...? "If you reach for the moon but miss, at least you'll end up among the stars." (Something like that) Let's keep pushing people to be their best selves and really embrace their talents and completely perceive what their intuition (or God) is telling them to do. Almost everyone great who has had an amazing impact on the world has been deemed crazy to some degree.
If we never take the chances necessary to become "great" we never will be.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Random Thoughts
And so, I've had these random thoughts in my phone for a while now. Whenever they pop up, I type them up. You're welcome for sharing my weirdness...
- As someone who has been blamed for the types of men that hit on her, I can now say that none of that has anything to do with me. Who hits on me has very little to do with me and everything to do with them. I am only responsible for who I allow into my space.
- There is a tendency within people to give advice instead of listening, to think as you're talking to separate themselves from your situation so they can fix it.What would happen if we listened when people spoke to us, allowed ourselves to really feel the emotions caused by the person's "story", asked if they needed advice or just an ear and simply put ourselves into their shoes within the moment they are sharing with us? I think our relationships and lives would be completely different.
- Perceive the world around you. Feel your way through your situations. Treat relationships like they are as important as they are - you know, with the appropriate level of importance. This is what life is about. Relationship. It should be top of mind to build and correct them at all times. We should be walking through life leaving strengthened and healed people in our wakes. Think about how special it is to be allowed into another person's life and experiences.
- How to stay friends with a significant other after the relationship has ended: appreciate the intimacy that you have with that person and be thankful to have been able to get to know them on that level.
- Instead of trying to figure out why you're the way you are based on the notion that something is wrong with you, celebrate it. Thank God for it and walk in it. Remember the moments of clarity and use them to keep you grounded in your purpose, walk and relationship with God.
- Listen to things that people choose to tell you. Perceive it and really reach for the notion behind it. Oversharers tend to be dealing with issues that are continuously one their mind. They're usually seeking help in navigating those waters, not reprimands for sharing what you consider to be TMI. They share until they find relief from their circumstances, memories and thoughts. As they are telling you their "story", you should be honored that they chose to come to you in their quest for healing. God has placed them in your path for a reason, ask why and reach for understanding. Also, just because you feel that someone is speaking on something too intimate for your relationship with them, doesn't make it so. Be conscious of your judgments of others.
- People think that they change according to the situation that they're in, but they don't. The only change is their freedom to express the things inside openly and outwardly. But if you listen closely and pay attention to how you feel when you're around them, you'll know who they are regardless of their level of openness within any given situation.
- As someone who has been blamed for the types of men that hit on her, I can now say that none of that has anything to do with me. Who hits on me has very little to do with me and everything to do with them. I am only responsible for who I allow into my space.
- There is a tendency within people to give advice instead of listening, to think as you're talking to separate themselves from your situation so they can fix it.What would happen if we listened when people spoke to us, allowed ourselves to really feel the emotions caused by the person's "story", asked if they needed advice or just an ear and simply put ourselves into their shoes within the moment they are sharing with us? I think our relationships and lives would be completely different.
- Perceive the world around you. Feel your way through your situations. Treat relationships like they are as important as they are - you know, with the appropriate level of importance. This is what life is about. Relationship. It should be top of mind to build and correct them at all times. We should be walking through life leaving strengthened and healed people in our wakes. Think about how special it is to be allowed into another person's life and experiences.
- How to stay friends with a significant other after the relationship has ended: appreciate the intimacy that you have with that person and be thankful to have been able to get to know them on that level.
- Instead of trying to figure out why you're the way you are based on the notion that something is wrong with you, celebrate it. Thank God for it and walk in it. Remember the moments of clarity and use them to keep you grounded in your purpose, walk and relationship with God.
- Listen to things that people choose to tell you. Perceive it and really reach for the notion behind it. Oversharers tend to be dealing with issues that are continuously one their mind. They're usually seeking help in navigating those waters, not reprimands for sharing what you consider to be TMI. They share until they find relief from their circumstances, memories and thoughts. As they are telling you their "story", you should be honored that they chose to come to you in their quest for healing. God has placed them in your path for a reason, ask why and reach for understanding. Also, just because you feel that someone is speaking on something too intimate for your relationship with them, doesn't make it so. Be conscious of your judgments of others.
- People think that they change according to the situation that they're in, but they don't. The only change is their freedom to express the things inside openly and outwardly. But if you listen closely and pay attention to how you feel when you're around them, you'll know who they are regardless of their level of openness within any given situation.
Friday, February 20, 2015
...i'm a villain...
02.03.12
there's a story that's being written about me. it's about a girl that tries her hardest everyday only to find out that it's not enough. and not only is it not enough, it's criminal the way that she handles life.
there's a story that's being written about me. it's about a girl that tries her hardest everyday only to find out that it's not enough. and not only is it not enough, it's criminal the way that she handles life.
05.14.12
i've been chronicling my life for years, using up journal after journal. writing down the emotions that seem to overwhelm me until i can't see the end of myself. singing and writing have always been my companions. my drugs of choice. so it's been odd that i haven't been indulging in either of those activities. right now i feel like my life is being swallowed whole by this huge life changing sorrow that i moved down to alleviate. it turns out that you can't help someone out of a bad place unless they want to leave it.
i've been chronicling my life for years, using up journal after journal. writing down the emotions that seem to overwhelm me until i can't see the end of myself. singing and writing have always been my companions. my drugs of choice. so it's been odd that i haven't been indulging in either of those activities. right now i feel like my life is being swallowed whole by this huge life changing sorrow that i moved down to alleviate. it turns out that you can't help someone out of a bad place unless they want to leave it.
I'm releasing old drafts today...watch out!
06.22.13
I tend to stare in the mirror haphazardly. Waiting to become beautiful. Waiting for my features to soften and become feminine. I will my hair to soften and flow. Pull my waist in until my hips round and curve. Then I move. Round out my back, stretch my torso, frame my face with my arms and forget. I forget that I hate my body. Forget that my heart hurts. I feel. Sexy, Alive, soft, fluid. But most of all, I feel. It's dangerous. I get wreckless. I forget my awkwardness, my clumsiness. That I don't always know what to say. That I'm tender-hearted. And full of dichotomies. Opposites.
06.22.13
I tend to stare in the mirror haphazardly. Waiting to become beautiful. Waiting for my features to soften and become feminine. I will my hair to soften and flow. Pull my waist in until my hips round and curve. Then I move. Round out my back, stretch my torso, frame my face with my arms and forget. I forget that I hate my body. Forget that my heart hurts. I feel. Sexy, Alive, soft, fluid. But most of all, I feel. It's dangerous. I get wreckless. I forget my awkwardness, my clumsiness. That I don't always know what to say. That I'm tender-hearted. And full of dichotomies. Opposites.
Look what I found! I wrote this on 5.24.12 and it rings true for me now even though I've moved to a new city since then. So interesting to see the hope of that time and the progress I've made since...
i became extremely stressed out yesterday for a few hours. thinking about my apartment and starting a new life. i'm terrified...and i have nothing. do you know how stressful it is? for real, i almost broke out in hives thinking about it.
i'm a firm believer in God working things out. bless my heart, the way i navigate through this world is atrocious. i live from the heart. if my heart doesn't feel what i'm writing, i erase it. what i'm singing, i turn the music off. what i'm watching, i change the channel. my heart is the well spring of my life and it's messy. i kind of tumble around loving people and things unabashedly throwing caution to the wind doing what feels right.
this has way of living has a tendency to be soooo very detrimental to any kind of plan that i could possibly put together which often leads me to having no plan. this stresses out everyone in my life.
i moved to chicago because i had a feeling God wanted me there. i hang out with people because i have a feeling they are just great people. i hug/call people because i feel like they need it. i talk to people on the street and smile from my heart because i just feel like it's necessary. i moved to GA because i felt like my heart would implode if i didn't. all of this has lead to where i am now.
without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out, as my dad would say.
which leads to my next moment of insanity. i've "claimed" an apt. i feel like this is the one. i feel like God's leading me here. i toured the facility but it was rushed and...not REALLY a tour. more of a "let me show you the largest apt which is nothing like the one that i'm going to offer you when we get back downstairs." but it was cool. i just accepted it because i knew that was home.
my new home.
and i feel the renewal creeping up behind me. the chance that so many people wish they could take...a chance to start over. to take this City by storm. to be the person God has planned for me to be. all of the regression i feel, the anger i've felt, the tears i've cried...they're all leading to this moment.
my moment of renewal.
i may not have toilet paper. or an iron. or furniture. but i'm so excited to start over. my life in chicago was becoming more counterfeit by the day. i was in love with a man that was in love with someone else. i was working at a job that wasn't suited for me. i had frenemies surrounding me and discussing my every move. my life right now is the real deal.
it's spacious and inviting. it's full of expectation and hi-fives. i have all the love i need and am surrounded by family and good people.
my heart. my expectation. my future. it's all bright. it's all right. it's a chance in a lifetime.
i became extremely stressed out yesterday for a few hours. thinking about my apartment and starting a new life. i'm terrified...and i have nothing. do you know how stressful it is? for real, i almost broke out in hives thinking about it.
i'm a firm believer in God working things out. bless my heart, the way i navigate through this world is atrocious. i live from the heart. if my heart doesn't feel what i'm writing, i erase it. what i'm singing, i turn the music off. what i'm watching, i change the channel. my heart is the well spring of my life and it's messy. i kind of tumble around loving people and things unabashedly throwing caution to the wind doing what feels right.
this has way of living has a tendency to be soooo very detrimental to any kind of plan that i could possibly put together which often leads me to having no plan. this stresses out everyone in my life.
i moved to chicago because i had a feeling God wanted me there. i hang out with people because i have a feeling they are just great people. i hug/call people because i feel like they need it. i talk to people on the street and smile from my heart because i just feel like it's necessary. i moved to GA because i felt like my heart would implode if i didn't. all of this has lead to where i am now.
without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out, as my dad would say.
which leads to my next moment of insanity. i've "claimed" an apt. i feel like this is the one. i feel like God's leading me here. i toured the facility but it was rushed and...not REALLY a tour. more of a "let me show you the largest apt which is nothing like the one that i'm going to offer you when we get back downstairs." but it was cool. i just accepted it because i knew that was home.
my new home.
and i feel the renewal creeping up behind me. the chance that so many people wish they could take...a chance to start over. to take this City by storm. to be the person God has planned for me to be. all of the regression i feel, the anger i've felt, the tears i've cried...they're all leading to this moment.
my moment of renewal.
i may not have toilet paper. or an iron. or furniture. but i'm so excited to start over. my life in chicago was becoming more counterfeit by the day. i was in love with a man that was in love with someone else. i was working at a job that wasn't suited for me. i had frenemies surrounding me and discussing my every move. my life right now is the real deal.
it's spacious and inviting. it's full of expectation and hi-fives. i have all the love i need and am surrounded by family and good people.
my heart. my expectation. my future. it's all bright. it's all right. it's a chance in a lifetime.
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