Look what I found! I wrote this on 5.24.12 and it rings true for me now even though I've moved to a new city since then. So interesting to see the hope of that time and the progress I've made since...

i became extremely stressed out yesterday for a few hours. thinking about my apartment and starting a new life. i'm terrified...and i have nothing. do you know how stressful it is? for real, i almost broke out in hives thinking about it.

i'm a firm believer in God working things out. bless my heart, the way i navigate through this world is atrocious. i live from the heart. if my heart doesn't feel what i'm writing, i erase it. what i'm singing, i turn the music off. what i'm watching, i change the channel. my heart is the well spring of my life and it's messy. i kind of tumble around loving people and things unabashedly throwing caution to the wind doing what feels right.
this has way of living has a tendency to be soooo very detrimental to any kind of plan that i could possibly put together which often leads me to having no plan. this stresses out everyone in my life.

i moved to chicago because i had a feeling God wanted me there. i hang out with people because i have a feeling they are just great people. i hug/call people because i feel like they need it. i talk to people on the street and smile from my heart because i just feel like it's necessary. i moved to GA because i felt like my heart would implode if i didn't. all of this has lead to where i am now.

without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out, as my dad would say.

which leads to my next moment of insanity. i've "claimed" an apt. i feel like this is the one. i feel like God's leading me here. i toured the facility but it was rushed and...not REALLY a tour. more of a "let me show you the largest apt which is nothing like the one that i'm going to offer you when we get back downstairs." but it was cool. i just accepted it because i knew that was home.

my new home.

and i feel the renewal creeping up behind me. the chance that so many people wish they could take...a chance to start over. to take this City by storm. to be the person God has planned for me to be. all of the regression i feel, the anger i've felt, the tears i've cried...they're all leading to this moment.

my moment of renewal.

i may not have toilet paper. or an iron. or furniture. but i'm so excited to start over. my life in chicago was becoming more counterfeit by the day. i was in love with a man that was in love with someone else. i was working at a job that wasn't suited for me. i had frenemies surrounding me and discussing my every move. my life right now is the real deal.

it's spacious and inviting. it's full of expectation and hi-fives. i have all the love i need and am surrounded by family and good people.

my heart. my expectation. my future. it's all bright. it's all right. it's a chance in a lifetime.