meeting a cute australian guy in a bar...good...
going dancing with friends...good....
having cute australian guy walk you home and tell you how beautiful you are...good!!

pretty much sums up my saturday night/morning. went to jake's with sara and had 2.5 beers - ok, so it was almost 3 beers. i shared...mostly...with sara. while there we met a cute australian and a couple of irish guys and had some talks. it was good times. he then said he'd meet us later for dancing - yeah right, i thought. but lo and behold, while i was shaking my groove thang, up comes the cutie from down under. while he was buying me a drink, my friends left me there with him. it was fine. but i was little wary of him. we took a cab to my corner and talked a little more about his girlfriend, how long they'd been dating, how they were engaged and had a baby on the way. stupid boys are all the same. i'll spare you the details of that little exchange. also, i got locked out of my apartment, had to wake up my roommate to let me in (turns out our buzzer DOES work) and wiped out on a sprinkler in the courtyard of my building whilst trying to get to the front door for said "let in".

all in all, i have to say it was a good saturday.

So, my soul wants to say something. but it's not clear. it hasn't been for a while. i've been stuffing it deep down inside of me for months now. i'm no closer to God than I was in august. i might even venture to say that i'm as far away from him as i was years ago when i had the worst summer of my entire life. this time i'm making my own bed and hoping to lie in it. although i know it's going to hurt and suck, i'm just being so selfish and wanting to do what i want when i want and how i want. not giving much of a care into whether it's going to hurt anyone else and whether my heart can really recover from it. i hate to say it, but i don't think it can. the love i want and need can only come from god and i'm being a puss. i'm wooking pa nub in all da wong paces, as buckwheat would say. and i know it's going to hurt. but right now i want to know that i'm attractive. that i'm wanted. that i'm desired more than i want to know that i'm virtuous and pretty on the inside. what does that get you, you know? i don't know. i'm tired again. tired of being the one that always does the right thing. that can barely relate because i slipped up years ago on some offense that most people don't even see as an offense. i'm tired of being the one that people whisper around because they don't want to say the wrong thing. i'm tired of seeing people get the things i'm yearning for, but i get passed over. i'm tired of continuously questioning myself. i'm tired of not being good enough. tired.

today was the wake for my uncle. apparently, "wake" is another term for funeral. so sad. i cried and cried and cried. everytime i thought i was done, the tears would start again. i think i was crying for others we'd lost years ago that i'd never completely mourned. so i feel better now. i'm glad his suffering is over. i'm glad we loved him. i'm glad he loved us. i'm glad our family functions as it does. we take others in and love them as though they've always been a part of us. it's a legacy that i hope lives on in our family. my uncle did that a lot. taking people in as his own. my dad does that too. i'll never know how many people were affected by them. even in death we can't get a toll of how many people my uncle has affected. what a great man. so weird that we won't hear his voice or smell his cologne anymore. but okay at the same time.

now if we can make it through the funeral on saturday...

so a few things have transpired since i last posted. i've been through three intermediate relationships (drama, ok, so not really, but they didn't go anywhere so...), i've moved to the City, and found out some news about my family. my uncle has been really sick for a while now. kidney issues, viruses, and "stuff"... i talked to my mom the other night and apparently the doctors haven't given him long to live. then my aunt found a lump on her neck (i think) and had it biopsied to find that it is cancerous. she'd had breast cancer when i was in the 5th or 7th grade - can't remember which one. so my mom is a mess right now. so if y'all could be praying for them and her, i would appreciate it. i was flying home this weekend to go to my little brother's graduation, but now i'm going to have to extend my stay (work-willing) to help my mom with some things. she's stressed, overwhelmed, and trying to be everything to everyone (strong, God, encouraging...). so hopefully, I can stay long enough to lend her some support and take her mind off of things a little.

that's all i've got for right now.

went out with a new friend last night. just wasn't the same as going out with old friends. didn't click the way i thought we would and that was...disappointing. at best. while they were talking, i realized that i'm just me. i don't impress people. i don't always get the good laugh. i don't always come through. but that's just me. my hair is curly and "natural". i'm hippy and will never be a size 4. i'm southern and have a slight accent (when i'm home or with sara anyways). i'm just a tad bit obnoxious. i'll talk you into oblivion about nothing when i'm tired. i do what i can for my friends to the point of putting myself out completely. and i hold grudges longer than most people have worn blue eye shadow. i'm quirky and i love it. it's just me. i sat there last night while this person tried to impress me with their promiscuity, drunkeness, and tales of how they are always getting high with their friends in the City. it was tiring, but made me glad to be me. i'm glad that i've never truly worked hard to impress. i've never had the feeling that i had to be more than i was for most people. it felt good being me.

i realized last night that my soul is settled. my spirit is at peace. i'm nestled into God -even at the furthest moments and the farthest places. grace, mercy, love, faith...his banner over me is love. may you walk in the dust of your rabbi. peace be with you - and also with you. be still and know that i am god. a quiet and gentle strength. as for me and my house, we will serve the lord.

again thinking and thinking and thinking...i need better understanding of how this all works. what the reality of this whole thing is. how to gauge where i am and what i'm doing. hmm...the wheel never stops turning, but it's good to know that it's turning in Him.

so i've been thinking lately about how little i think of god. i always say that i should be walking in this truth of who says that i am. but for whatever reason i repeatedly don't do it. i don't know if i'm afraid to or if it's my "flesh" or if i'm even just selfish. but i need to do something. i need to move. i dare me. (get it? get it? - dare you to move...?). anyways, if i believe that god is who he says he is, i'd move. i'd walk with him as my guide. completely and utterly useless without his guidance. i'd be a spiritual toucan sam. living by the spirit instead of societal standards and should do's.

side note: i sometimes feel intuition, premonitions, etc are the spirit poking through our reality. i haven't completely thought it through yet. but it's like the spirit touches your mind for just an instant and leaves you reeling as to what's just happened as if to communicate that it is really there. it's not a figment of the imagination. it's not just a thing people have made up.

i am craving cheezits so badly right now.

also, gave the pastor guy my myspace account. we'll see if he keeps emailing me. if he doesn't (which i don't think he will) then maybe i'll change my mind about dating pastors. i'll keep you updated.

i'm tired. it'll pass. it's that tired you feel when you've been running around conquering the world, finding cures for what ails you, fixing the unfixable problems of the world...

but i'm good.

i love getting things done. getting things accomplished. but right now i just want to go home. go to bed. but i know i need to get this thing in gear, catch a second wind, and move it on along to get some other things done. this is the time for getting things done. i feel like my life is a series of lists right now. and i'm checking things off left and right.

in the midst of checking things off of my list, i haven't been sleeping well. which sucks most of the time, but redeemed itself the other night when i got to talk to D-Dog for a while. God really is good. and He's brought all of my friends into my life for a purpose. i'm learning to trust His decisions and judgments. and i'm learning that when i think i'm doing this thing right, that's when i'm most wrong about the life that i'm living. that's when i've become vain and built myself up as the answer to the world's problems instead of allowing Christ to step in where he is needed.

i have so much to learn.

so i think i deleted by blog by accident or something. i don't know how one does that, but it happens apparently. either that or blogger screwed me over. so this is the start of something new and great that i update when i'm having a bad, dramatic, or stressful day.
enjoy!