my last post was a little depressing but totally what i was feeling at the time. i haven't been crying much but was totally in the midst of a downpour that day. today i feel strong and myself. that day, i felt weak and so small. i'm living a life of complete dichotomy and it's annoying. esp for someone who analyzes everything such as i do.

so i've been thinking about my life. what i want to do. where i want to go. where i want to be. love and how i feel about it. it's getting cold now - time to couple up and hibernate. i need activity. i need to not sit in my apt twiddling my thumbs. life is too short. i feel like i've been wasting time. i've always got have a goal. i need to always be working toward something - some sort of goal and...i have nothing. i've been wracking my brain and wracking my brain and haven't been able to come up with anything.

so my next goal is to figure out what my next goal is.

he got married.

i've been crying.

funny how care sneaks up on you.

bleeding heart

so funny that a year ago i was putting seri in the friend box never to be heard of again and today i am grieving his recent marriage to "her". honestly, i didn't think it would bother me. i thought i was strong enough to handle it. i thought that i had sufficiently locked up my heart and made it so impenetrable even houdini couldn't break out. but apparently that was not to be the case.

i'm at work updating my blog. i'm working late because i came in late today. i haven't done that for a long time but today, i could not force myself to get going. it's like when you're little and you force down the last of your brusselsprouts almost every time but then there's that one time that you just can't? you know that you'll throw up if you eat that last bite...yep that's how i was feeling this morning. i'm tired. physiclly tired in ways i didn't know i could be. i think it's because of my recent emotional drownings. i feel fine emotionally now, but we'll see if that changes come Tuesday. that's when reality comes marching into work and slaps me across the face with his apparent happiness. i'm hoping to be fine with it. but you can never tell until you're in the situation.

other than that, i'm doing just fine. life is fine. but i've been thinking of starting over. i don't know if that means that i would just do school or if i would be moving to another state. drama. the main thing keeping me here is fear. i don't want to move and find a new job. it's not even the thought of finding new friends, it's the moving that i hate. maybe i can pay someone to move me and set up my apt for me. i want nice furniture and a place that's mine. maybe i'll buy something. good old commitment phobe just thought about buying a house. i don't think it's the house that i'm looking for. it's stability. i don't have that right now - well, ok, i do have it but not in the way that i want it. hmm...i'm having epiphanies all over the place today. that's one for another day.