I was reading another blog tonight and decided that it was time. time to love myself. as i am. for real this time. i realized while reflecting on one of the posts, that i've been apologizing since i got here.
for huge life-altering happenings. for being too self-sufficient. for not being self-sufficient enough. for missing chicago. for not loving atlanta. for being too family-oriented. for being too fun. for not being fun enough. for being sensitive and intuitive. for being my own person really.
and it wasn't just at home - it was at work too. i was expected to work around the clock and get everything done to perfection. to understand everyone's idiosyncrasies and sensitivities but still run a department as the lone staffer. to excel at a job without training or history - but when i've jumped in, was told that i was erasing months of other people's work.
it's been frustrating and exhausting. i've felt trapped and bamboozled. i've fought off fear and bitterness. i've eaten and drank my feelings for a little over a year now. but that's over. i'm changing that today. no excuses.
i love my family but i can't apologize for the bad things that have happened to us anymore. they're not my fault. i didn't create these hellish circumstances. i didn't rip your heart out and stomp on it. i tried to love you back to life.
i appreciate my job but i can't apologize for not receiving training in the job that i've been hired to do. i can't apologize for the sensitivities that some may have in their jobs because their friends have been laid off or they've been asked to do more than their job descriptions.
i don't own the responsibility for any of these things and i need to stop trying to. no more appeasement.
i don't know when i became this person but she has got to go.
