I want to kiss your imperfections
Caress your fears
Stare deep into your resistance
And gaze into your tears
Don't block me from the love you possess
Don't harness your sweet tenderness
Open the cage and let the animal out
I'll love it regardless of it's ferocious bite
I'll wait it out until you trust me
Hold me with sincerity
Until your arms have feeling
And your heart thinks in words
Until your fear's been replaced with
warmth and togetherness
Until your trauma has been laid to rest
Let me love you to life
Bring you back from death
Saturday, June 22, 2013
no drinking for you! - 12.21.12
i woke up this morning wanting to blog and chronicle my life and thoughts again. i fumbled around my apt getting my laptop only to have sat for about an hour doing nothing. i read some old blogs of mine amazed at the things that i've said in the past - how bare i'd laid my life. i was interested in my story, amused at my shenanigans, but so overwhelmingly embarrassed at the complaining and grasping at straws that i've done.
last night while i was drinking, i realized that that is a pattern for me. this grasping of straws. i get to a certain point in a life situation where i feel like i've done all that i can do and i lose myself. normal just kind of stand...resolved to find a solution or come to an ultimatum. i freak out and grasp the situation so tightly that it slips out of my grasp like sand in a tightly closed fist. i just can't hold on to it.
so i've realized that's where i am right now and i'm letting go (i think). i need to let go. i'm putting myself into emotional and spiritual timeout (along with FaceBook). this walking wound needs to start healing. i'm done living by the seat of my pants and not being able to have a nice buzz going without it turning into a self-counseling moment.
last night while i was drinking, i realized that that is a pattern for me. this grasping of straws. i get to a certain point in a life situation where i feel like i've done all that i can do and i lose myself. normal just kind of stand...resolved to find a solution or come to an ultimatum. i freak out and grasp the situation so tightly that it slips out of my grasp like sand in a tightly closed fist. i just can't hold on to it.
so i've realized that's where i am right now and i'm letting go (i think). i need to let go. i'm putting myself into emotional and spiritual timeout (along with FaceBook). this walking wound needs to start healing. i'm done living by the seat of my pants and not being able to have a nice buzz going without it turning into a self-counseling moment.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
today on the way to work i started thinking about church and God and what i was looking for. you know, why i categorize myself as a christian. i started thinking about the difference between being religious and being a christian and if there even was a difference. there is.
i go to church and read my bible because i just truly want to know who God is and what He wants from us. I want to understand him just like I understand my dad. I want to talk to him just like I can talk to my brother. i want to come to Him with my bad day just like i do with my mother and cut up with Him like i would my best friend. i want to know who He is. not just what He says not to do. i think that's what being a christian is about. it's not about rules because those were thrown out the window when Jesus came. it's not about "an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth" either. it's about loving your neighbor as yourself.
then, i began thinking about purpose. what is my purpose? what is your purpose? it came to me as quickly as the question popped into my head.
to breathe life.
at first, i didn't know what that meant. but i think i get it now. it's what the heart of christianity is comprised of. we are to breathe life into the world. my favorite phrase used to be "i can't be the Holy Spirit for you!" when people (that i was irritated with mostly) repeatedly asked me to be someone they could confide in or to give them verses to keep their anxiety at bay - i would toss that phrase over my shoulder at them and continue with whatever cause i thought took precedence over their insecurities, sin confessions, pleas for advice - whatever.
today, the gravity of how wrong that was, hit me like a ton of bricks. being the Holy Spirit for people is what breathes life into people. it is the very thing that we are called to do. we are called to be confidants for those with the worst shame and secrets, we are called to feed and clothe the poor, shelter the homeless, listen to the outrageous, love the unlovable...to pay attention to the neglected. we are to be God to the godless.
that's what christianity is about.
i go to church and read my bible because i just truly want to know who God is and what He wants from us. I want to understand him just like I understand my dad. I want to talk to him just like I can talk to my brother. i want to come to Him with my bad day just like i do with my mother and cut up with Him like i would my best friend. i want to know who He is. not just what He says not to do. i think that's what being a christian is about. it's not about rules because those were thrown out the window when Jesus came. it's not about "an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth" either. it's about loving your neighbor as yourself.
then, i began thinking about purpose. what is my purpose? what is your purpose? it came to me as quickly as the question popped into my head.
to breathe life.
at first, i didn't know what that meant. but i think i get it now. it's what the heart of christianity is comprised of. we are to breathe life into the world. my favorite phrase used to be "i can't be the Holy Spirit for you!" when people (that i was irritated with mostly) repeatedly asked me to be someone they could confide in or to give them verses to keep their anxiety at bay - i would toss that phrase over my shoulder at them and continue with whatever cause i thought took precedence over their insecurities, sin confessions, pleas for advice - whatever.
today, the gravity of how wrong that was, hit me like a ton of bricks. being the Holy Spirit for people is what breathes life into people. it is the very thing that we are called to do. we are called to be confidants for those with the worst shame and secrets, we are called to feed and clothe the poor, shelter the homeless, listen to the outrageous, love the unlovable...to pay attention to the neglected. we are to be God to the godless.
that's what christianity is about.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
stirring up grace and mercy - Jan 3
there's something stirring in my heart today. i've been preaching to myself all morning. in emails to others and conversations with myself about things that need to be done. apparently God has some things that i need to take care of.
1. be purposeful
- not just in the way of making plans for your life because i don't really do that. because i suck at it. if i make the plan, it's going to be broken. i'm a floater. i float through life. it's just how i'm made. i'm pretty flexible when i have the resources needed to make things happen. but it can be a blessing and a curse. a blessing in that i'm a little more flexible. i can roll with the punches without worrying too much how we're going to get to the finish line. i just know we'll make it. a curse in that i'm unstable. there is hardly ever a set plan and it tends to exhaust me completely when i have to be structured for any length of time.
it's more of a call to be mindful of how you affect the people in your life with what you were created to do.
that's huge. so many people claim that they don't know what they want to do with their lives. i don't think that's true. i think they're just caught between money and their hearts. i know i have been. i love talking to people, hearing their stories and helping them heal. that's what i was put here to do. breathe life into people. nothing about that reads: money. NOTHING. at least not where i want to be - in the trenches with the foulest, smelliest, worst offenders of life. the people that have no hope, no help, and no way of living on their own. that is who i am, that is what i must do.
2. grace and mercy
- 2013 is the year of grace and mercy for me. it's time to love myself. not in an instinctual, self-serving way. in a way that means that i do what's best for myself most of the time, treat myself some of the time and just really appreciate and respect myself all of the time. if i can do that for me, imagine how i would move through life treating others. if i would give myself the grace and mercy to make mistakes, life would be so much easier to maneuver. God would be much easier to understand and see on a regular basis. love would be so much easier to freely give. when you operate in grace and mercy, broken hearts aren't always weak, sad vessels. sometimes they are strong and caring - just a little disappointed.
3. be still
- let things settle in your spirit. whether it's a sunrise, a good word in church, an encouragement from a friend, a good song - take a moment and let them marinate. hear it. receive it. those are the moments that make life beautiful. those moments when you see who God is through nature and people. soak it in and love Him back
1. be purposeful
- not just in the way of making plans for your life because i don't really do that. because i suck at it. if i make the plan, it's going to be broken. i'm a floater. i float through life. it's just how i'm made. i'm pretty flexible when i have the resources needed to make things happen. but it can be a blessing and a curse. a blessing in that i'm a little more flexible. i can roll with the punches without worrying too much how we're going to get to the finish line. i just know we'll make it. a curse in that i'm unstable. there is hardly ever a set plan and it tends to exhaust me completely when i have to be structured for any length of time.
it's more of a call to be mindful of how you affect the people in your life with what you were created to do.
that's huge. so many people claim that they don't know what they want to do with their lives. i don't think that's true. i think they're just caught between money and their hearts. i know i have been. i love talking to people, hearing their stories and helping them heal. that's what i was put here to do. breathe life into people. nothing about that reads: money. NOTHING. at least not where i want to be - in the trenches with the foulest, smelliest, worst offenders of life. the people that have no hope, no help, and no way of living on their own. that is who i am, that is what i must do.
2. grace and mercy
- 2013 is the year of grace and mercy for me. it's time to love myself. not in an instinctual, self-serving way. in a way that means that i do what's best for myself most of the time, treat myself some of the time and just really appreciate and respect myself all of the time. if i can do that for me, imagine how i would move through life treating others. if i would give myself the grace and mercy to make mistakes, life would be so much easier to maneuver. God would be much easier to understand and see on a regular basis. love would be so much easier to freely give. when you operate in grace and mercy, broken hearts aren't always weak, sad vessels. sometimes they are strong and caring - just a little disappointed.
3. be still
- let things settle in your spirit. whether it's a sunrise, a good word in church, an encouragement from a friend, a good song - take a moment and let them marinate. hear it. receive it. those are the moments that make life beautiful. those moments when you see who God is through nature and people. soak it in and love Him back
2013 Grace and Mercy
i have felt that this is the year of grace and mercy in my life. it was so profound. one day i was so tired, tragic and feeling like i was on the edge of a cliff all of the time. then the next day i had peace, rest and grace. it happened overnight - and it was so shocking. so much so that i kept telling me in a surprised way that i felt "so much better than i have in years!" well, i think i'm on the brink of something.
i was in a training for my job yesterday when i received a phone call telling me to look into what grace meant for me. little did the person know, i'd already looked it up and just wasn't finding the definition really. which is so weird. but i looked again this morning and wow, God is chasing me down. grace and mercy are chasing me down this year. i've broken down the definitions below - i need to not only exhibit grace and mercy to others but also to myself. it's time.
grace: unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration and sactification.
- unmerited = undeserved
- divine = godly
- assistance = help
- regeneration = regrowing/growing again
- sanctification = to make holy
- holy = to set apart for God
so in layman's terms, grace is underserved help that God gives to humans to help set them apart for Him and also help them grow again. i can't even get into how profound this is for me this morning.
now for mercy.
mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm
- compassion = pity or concern for the suffering and misfortune of others
- forgiveness = to give up resentment
so in layman's terms, mercy is when you give up resentment toward, have pity on and are concerned about the suffering and misfortune of someone whom it is within your power to punish.
my new year's resolution this year was to love myself better - not more, just better. i love myself but i don't treat myself very well on a regular basis. and right now, honestly i'm wounded. i would love to say that all of the wounds and festering sores are from the abuse and words that have cut me as they've come into my life and heart straight from other people's lips. however, it's my fault that i've let those things infect my soul and spirit. i'm festering because i took their words and actions and believed their untruths. grace and mercy tell me that it's time to stop that. that it's time to believe that what God says about me is true and that perfection is not only required, it's secondary to love and the other fruits of the spirit.
love yourself. protect yourself. forgive yourself. take care of yourself.
those are my goals. they should be yours as well.
i was in a training for my job yesterday when i received a phone call telling me to look into what grace meant for me. little did the person know, i'd already looked it up and just wasn't finding the definition really. which is so weird. but i looked again this morning and wow, God is chasing me down. grace and mercy are chasing me down this year. i've broken down the definitions below - i need to not only exhibit grace and mercy to others but also to myself. it's time.
grace: unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration and sactification.
- unmerited = undeserved
- divine = godly
- assistance = help
- regeneration = regrowing/growing again
- sanctification = to make holy
- holy = to set apart for God
so in layman's terms, grace is underserved help that God gives to humans to help set them apart for Him and also help them grow again. i can't even get into how profound this is for me this morning.
now for mercy.
mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm
- compassion = pity or concern for the suffering and misfortune of others
- forgiveness = to give up resentment
so in layman's terms, mercy is when you give up resentment toward, have pity on and are concerned about the suffering and misfortune of someone whom it is within your power to punish.
my new year's resolution this year was to love myself better - not more, just better. i love myself but i don't treat myself very well on a regular basis. and right now, honestly i'm wounded. i would love to say that all of the wounds and festering sores are from the abuse and words that have cut me as they've come into my life and heart straight from other people's lips. however, it's my fault that i've let those things infect my soul and spirit. i'm festering because i took their words and actions and believed their untruths. grace and mercy tell me that it's time to stop that. that it's time to believe that what God says about me is true and that perfection is not only required, it's secondary to love and the other fruits of the spirit.
love yourself. protect yourself. forgive yourself. take care of yourself.
those are my goals. they should be yours as well.
Friday, December 28, 2012
no more apologies
I was reading another blog tonight and decided that it was time. time to love myself. as i am. for real this time. i realized while reflecting on one of the posts, that i've been apologizing since i got here.
for huge life-altering happenings. for being too self-sufficient. for not being self-sufficient enough. for missing chicago. for not loving atlanta. for being too family-oriented. for being too fun. for not being fun enough. for being sensitive and intuitive. for being my own person really.
and it wasn't just at home - it was at work too. i was expected to work around the clock and get everything done to perfection. to understand everyone's idiosyncrasies and sensitivities but still run a department as the lone staffer. to excel at a job without training or history - but when i've jumped in, was told that i was erasing months of other people's work.
it's been frustrating and exhausting. i've felt trapped and bamboozled. i've fought off fear and bitterness. i've eaten and drank my feelings for a little over a year now. but that's over. i'm changing that today. no excuses.
i love my family but i can't apologize for the bad things that have happened to us anymore. they're not my fault. i didn't create these hellish circumstances. i didn't rip your heart out and stomp on it. i tried to love you back to life.
i appreciate my job but i can't apologize for not receiving training in the job that i've been hired to do. i can't apologize for the sensitivities that some may have in their jobs because their friends have been laid off or they've been asked to do more than their job descriptions.
i don't own the responsibility for any of these things and i need to stop trying to. no more appeasement.
i don't know when i became this person but she has got to go.
for huge life-altering happenings. for being too self-sufficient. for not being self-sufficient enough. for missing chicago. for not loving atlanta. for being too family-oriented. for being too fun. for not being fun enough. for being sensitive and intuitive. for being my own person really.
and it wasn't just at home - it was at work too. i was expected to work around the clock and get everything done to perfection. to understand everyone's idiosyncrasies and sensitivities but still run a department as the lone staffer. to excel at a job without training or history - but when i've jumped in, was told that i was erasing months of other people's work.
it's been frustrating and exhausting. i've felt trapped and bamboozled. i've fought off fear and bitterness. i've eaten and drank my feelings for a little over a year now. but that's over. i'm changing that today. no excuses.
i love my family but i can't apologize for the bad things that have happened to us anymore. they're not my fault. i didn't create these hellish circumstances. i didn't rip your heart out and stomp on it. i tried to love you back to life.
i appreciate my job but i can't apologize for not receiving training in the job that i've been hired to do. i can't apologize for the sensitivities that some may have in their jobs because their friends have been laid off or they've been asked to do more than their job descriptions.
i don't own the responsibility for any of these things and i need to stop trying to. no more appeasement.
i don't know when i became this person but she has got to go.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Merry Christmas Seri
i did it. i texted seri "merry christmas". it was nothing...and everything. all. at. once. i had a slight meltdown in april (the first of 3 to be had in 2012) with him and told him to just leave me alone - for real - forever. and my heart broke. i instantly regretted it. years of memories and untruths and butterflies and fights and sweet kisses and bashfulness and passion and tears...all flooded through my heart that weekend and were swept away through the tears that fell from my eyes. i hadn't spoken to him since except to text him drunkenly to say that i was coming to visit - back in august. i prayed that he would respond but for once he didn't. the one time in 5 years, he didn't respond. 5 years.
on christmas, i broke. i'd been thinking about him for months - wondering how he was doing and praying he was ok. i texted and he responded. my world tilted a little and my heart sang. i felt like all the forgiveness that i'd wanted from him was given and we were ok. never again the same - but ok.
if i never hear from him again, i can honestly say that he was everything (up to his point in my life). i used to think that was so sad. that i would place someone like him above everything that i've ever wanted for myself or how i wanted people to perceive me. but now, i can say that i loved him. with everything that i had. i forced myself to be calm when i didn't want to be. i prayed for him when he'd broken my heart. i cried for him when he wouldn't cry for himself.
i cared whether his mom had insurance or diabetes testing strips. i cared whether he had a good relationship with his kids. i cared when work wasn't good. i made him text me when he drove home drunk. he kissed me so sweet when he'd leave me. he made sure i was ok every day after Jay passed. of all the ways he loved me, that was the sweetest one. i will forever be indebted to him for that. when my heart was at it's lowest, he cared.
i will never understand why it didn't work and why he didn't choose me. but i'm thankful that i loved him. i truly am. my heart still hurts sometimes but i'm thankful. my emotions that weekend were so raw and exposed but it was worth it. all 5 years were worth it. i've never said it out loud. i've never dared tell anyone that i loved a liar, a conniving womanizing man. but i did. i do.
i'll never be the same because of that love for him. i sacrificed who i was to love him. i sacrificed my heart to love him. i knew that he didn't feel like anyone loved him and i made sure to let him feel what love was truly like. i wanted to be a conduit - and i was. it's been a year of pain that i wish i could take back from him and me.
one day i'll look back and realize that my love for him was the first step to perfecting the love that belongs to my husband. one day i will wake up on christmas and not feel the need to make him feel my presence. one day i will forget his phone number and won't regret not having written it down. one day i will write a post reflecting on how my life has turned out and no tears will fall when i think of him. one day we'll both be fine. one day..."merry christmas" won't hurt so bad.
Merry Christmas Seri
on christmas, i broke. i'd been thinking about him for months - wondering how he was doing and praying he was ok. i texted and he responded. my world tilted a little and my heart sang. i felt like all the forgiveness that i'd wanted from him was given and we were ok. never again the same - but ok.
if i never hear from him again, i can honestly say that he was everything (up to his point in my life). i used to think that was so sad. that i would place someone like him above everything that i've ever wanted for myself or how i wanted people to perceive me. but now, i can say that i loved him. with everything that i had. i forced myself to be calm when i didn't want to be. i prayed for him when he'd broken my heart. i cried for him when he wouldn't cry for himself.
i cared whether his mom had insurance or diabetes testing strips. i cared whether he had a good relationship with his kids. i cared when work wasn't good. i made him text me when he drove home drunk. he kissed me so sweet when he'd leave me. he made sure i was ok every day after Jay passed. of all the ways he loved me, that was the sweetest one. i will forever be indebted to him for that. when my heart was at it's lowest, he cared.
i will never understand why it didn't work and why he didn't choose me. but i'm thankful that i loved him. i truly am. my heart still hurts sometimes but i'm thankful. my emotions that weekend were so raw and exposed but it was worth it. all 5 years were worth it. i've never said it out loud. i've never dared tell anyone that i loved a liar, a conniving womanizing man. but i did. i do.
i'll never be the same because of that love for him. i sacrificed who i was to love him. i sacrificed my heart to love him. i knew that he didn't feel like anyone loved him and i made sure to let him feel what love was truly like. i wanted to be a conduit - and i was. it's been a year of pain that i wish i could take back from him and me.
one day i'll look back and realize that my love for him was the first step to perfecting the love that belongs to my husband. one day i will wake up on christmas and not feel the need to make him feel my presence. one day i will forget his phone number and won't regret not having written it down. one day i will write a post reflecting on how my life has turned out and no tears will fall when i think of him. one day we'll both be fine. one day..."merry christmas" won't hurt so bad.
Merry Christmas Seri
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