i'm back and i'm sure there's no one that reads this anymore. but i thought i'd write anyways. i have a lot on my mind right now.

i lost myself for a while there. i'm trying to get it back but it's a long road to get there. life is funny. no matter how many times you fall you still can get up but somehow you never get up in the same place where you fell. you're either a few paces forward or back but never in that same place. it reminds me of that saying by Heraclitus (I believe) "you never step in the same river twice". so true.

so here i am trying to get up several paces forward from the place where i fell - a new woman. i don't know if i can do it but i'm trying and well - that's all i can do right?

and so Seri has been doing his thing, i've been doing my thing, and sometimes we do things together. the latest happening was that i invited him to take a discarded ticket from a friend of mine for the jay z/mary j blige concert (which was awesome!!) and he said he would. then he backed out. then he decided to go. then i told him to man up which apparently talked him into going. then he decided for real not go. about 5 minutes before the show started. surprisingly, i wasn't mad. i was amused - slightly annoyed though because he waited until the last minute to tell me.

the reason i'm not that angry is because he FINALLY told me (not in so many words) that he's in love with his ex. so maybe that should make me angry but it actually makes me feel better because i know it's not me. i know that i'm not crazy. he wants his cake and eat it too and well, he's not having it. i'm not giving him what he wants and apparently she's not either. so he's almost SOL. and this weekend i put him in the "friend" box. men know you don't recover from that.

so i'm good. i'm fine. and attended the BEST concert i have been too EVER. jay-z is not the cutest man alive but that Brooklyn swagger gets me every time!!

favorite inappropriate quote of 02.11.08

1st person: then i'll flash him and say, "if you ... i'll give you some."
2nd person: and then i'll walk up and say, "hi, my name is...but you can call me some."


it was almost as good as "the trick is to walk flat-footed".

and so i've officially signed up for the Hood to Coast Relay .
and i'm officially freaked out about it.

so in my obsessive-compulsive way, i've downloaded all kinds of training programs to be sure that i have all of my bases covered. the plan is to be able to run a half marathon in 5 months. which would put me where i need to be. but like i said, i'm freaked out and don't know how i'm going to do it. so when you see me with a glazed look - wandering around in running gear - mumbling inaudible ramblings. you know what happened. i'll be fine.

i'm just trying to get my forrest gump on.

i gave in and had another date with seri on friday and it was good. but now i'm a little confused. ok, a lot confused. i'm stupid i know. but i'm a girl and this is what some of us do. we date guys that we know aren't good for us and then complain to all of our friends about it.

enter girl ramblings:
so the confusing thing about the date was that it was so fricking normal and comfortable. i could see us being together for a while if it turned into that. but i don't know if i want that. ok, so on one hand i do and on the other i don't. we know the issues, but i'm getting to know him better and it's this crazy dichotomy of personalities. or what i perceived as a dichotomy of personalities. i'm so attracted to him and well, i'm assuming he's attracted to me or we wouldn't have these issues right? i just don't know what he wants.

i wish they had patches that you could wear on your arm to get rid of the craving for people that are bad for you. a seri patch would be good right now.

i need a seri patch - oh yeah, and i'm joining a relay marathon at work as an alternate. am i crazy or what?

meeting a cute australian guy in a bar...good...
going dancing with friends...good....
having cute australian guy walk you home and tell you how beautiful you are...good!!

pretty much sums up my saturday night/morning. went to jake's with sara and had 2.5 beers - ok, so it was almost 3 beers. i shared...mostly...with sara. while there we met a cute australian and a couple of irish guys and had some talks. it was good times. he then said he'd meet us later for dancing - yeah right, i thought. but lo and behold, while i was shaking my groove thang, up comes the cutie from down under. while he was buying me a drink, my friends left me there with him. it was fine. but i was little wary of him. we took a cab to my corner and talked a little more about his girlfriend, how long they'd been dating, how they were engaged and had a baby on the way. stupid boys are all the same. i'll spare you the details of that little exchange. also, i got locked out of my apartment, had to wake up my roommate to let me in (turns out our buzzer DOES work) and wiped out on a sprinkler in the courtyard of my building whilst trying to get to the front door for said "let in".

all in all, i have to say it was a good saturday.

So, my soul wants to say something. but it's not clear. it hasn't been for a while. i've been stuffing it deep down inside of me for months now. i'm no closer to God than I was in august. i might even venture to say that i'm as far away from him as i was years ago when i had the worst summer of my entire life. this time i'm making my own bed and hoping to lie in it. although i know it's going to hurt and suck, i'm just being so selfish and wanting to do what i want when i want and how i want. not giving much of a care into whether it's going to hurt anyone else and whether my heart can really recover from it. i hate to say it, but i don't think it can. the love i want and need can only come from god and i'm being a puss. i'm wooking pa nub in all da wong paces, as buckwheat would say. and i know it's going to hurt. but right now i want to know that i'm attractive. that i'm wanted. that i'm desired more than i want to know that i'm virtuous and pretty on the inside. what does that get you, you know? i don't know. i'm tired again. tired of being the one that always does the right thing. that can barely relate because i slipped up years ago on some offense that most people don't even see as an offense. i'm tired of being the one that people whisper around because they don't want to say the wrong thing. i'm tired of seeing people get the things i'm yearning for, but i get passed over. i'm tired of continuously questioning myself. i'm tired of not being good enough. tired.