Spaces

On my way to work this morning, I felt like I needed to be watching traffic. Not so much for safety but for a pattern – aka life lesson. So I did (while I basked in the greatness that is Jill Scott). Once I began to pay attention, it didn’t take long for me to notice the spaces between all of the vehicles accompanying me on my commute to work and noting how quickly they were being filled and how people were protecting the spaces in front of them while they dodged in and out of traffic. So that’s what I’d like to talk about today. Space.

I noticed as I was driving this morning that in order to move forward in traffic, I had to fill an empty space. Sometimes that meant moving forward and filling a gap that was already there. The easiest method by far – and a crowd favorite. Sometimes, though, it meant creating a space to fill which the more aggressive among us are so skilled in doing. If there’s space you’d like to fill and there’s not enough room, I’ve found that nosing the front of your car in is an effective way to get to where you’d want to be. But in order to keep anyone else from pushing you back to where you were, you need to protect your space. You keep the distance between you and the car in front of you small and tight, then you mirror their driving style in order to maintain your position. This keeps people from inserting themselves into your “way” and delaying your commute in any way.

I’ve been learning that in order to draw new things and people into our lives, we have to create space for them. Sometimes, we decide that we want something and there is already room in our lives for that thing, life situation or acquisition. That’s the crowd pleaser. The easy way, if you will. And then there’s the life that is full. To the brim. But you want more. You want better. But it’s just not coming. Whether it’s in a form that works for you or at all. You’re not seeing whatever you’re searching for manifest within your life. You know what you need to do? Make space. Nose your way in there and protect your space.

Creating space in your life (the nose-in) seems so difficult but it’s so simple in theory. It’s the action that’s so difficult. It’s a practice of putting yourself first and deciding to get rid of anything within your life that looks like or impedes the pathway of the thing that you’ve been yearning for. Simpler way of putting it, you have to put away the things that no longer serve you. Get rid of that man who only calls when he’s bored. Let go of that job that sucks up all of your time with nonsense. Let go of the self-doubt that says that you’ll never realize your dream of running a marathon. And watch the universe converge to bring you the desires of your heart. Watch the laws of attraction bring you a husband, your dream job and help you to run that marathon. It’s that simple. But you have to really want it. There’s power in creating space for the things we want.

Second part to the “nose-in” is protection. Be protective of the time that you devote to acquiring the thing that you’re yearning for – as well as the space, once you’ve created it in your life. In traffic, "safe" people tend to leave a lot of room between their car and the next but they have a hard time protecting that space when they see someone trying to come in. So it's best to keep these things close. You can't protect anything from a long distance. So maybe that looks like keeping things tight to your chest and making it sacred. There will be things/people that will come to distract you and try to fill in the gap for you with themselves and their “stuff”. Take care not to allow people to cheapen this experience through their opinions, guilt-rendering and gossiping tongues. Just sit back and watch the universe rush to bring you all that you’ve been longing and asking for.

The start and stop of traffic can be a painful thing to endure, especially in inclement weather where it feels that your life is on the line. But moving forward, I think it will be a constant reminder to be vigilant of the spaces in life that we squander and fill with unnecessary clutter. Keep yourself open to what you’ve been waiting for and create space for it. It’s coming.

Healing

Dear Me,

I am finally ready to heal you. Don't be alarmed at the pain buried deep within your psyche - it's there for growth. It's time to release it and move forward. It will hurt in the moment but you'll be so strong once you get to the other side. So hang in there. Be patient with yourself and lean in close. God is here. He's been waiting for us to be ready. So, let's do this. Let's lay this thing bare. Don't be afraid to be hurt. Breathe and let the contractions ebb and flow. At the end of the pain is progress. Your destiny. The greatness that's been laying in wait deep within your bones and your soul. It is the fire that burns behind your eyes and presses your forward when you're at the end of yourself. You've felt that tingle and seen the flashes. It's time now to walk, move, breathe and live in it. 
Let's pause...

Hey
It's me
I'm calling
To schedule
A nervous
No, make that necessary
Breakdown
I won't be answering anything
I'll be so busy 
With my knees on the ground
And my hands
Up towards the clouds
Confessing out loud
Confessing out loud that
I ain't too proud
To say I'm slipping, tripping
So I'm calling to schedule
A very necessary
Breakdown
Leave me alone
Now

A Love Affair

I'm trying to love my body. But I think I'm doing it wrong. All of these years, I've been thinking that I need to love the way it looks. That I need to be proud of this weight I've gained that won't go away. I've been buying clothes that "make me feel good". I've been planning trips and taking pictures - like photo shoot pictures.

But I've realized this morning that I've been doing this all wrong. I've been focusing on what it looks like instead of what it can do. Don't get me wrong, I have had moments of clarity in appreciating what it can do, how it moves and functions. But they were few and far between, muddled with conditions, misunderstandings and deafening passivity. 

(Sorry - if this seems jumbled - but I'm kind of thinking out loud here.)

This morning, I've been thinking about how my body works. I've been reading a book called Woman Code by Alisa Vitti which talks about how to eat to balance your hormones during the female monthly hormone cycle. This information has blown my mind and really opened my eyes to how it feels to be intuitive about your body. And also, it gives you permission to work with your body using your intuition. It's amazing. Who knew that we would ever need permission to listen to our bodies?? But you do. 

In today's world, we need permission to do everything. To love ourselves at larger sizes, to eat food that makes our bodies feel good without explanation/excuse, to do exercises that allow our bodies to bloom in function and release stress. It's a lot (for lack of a better term) and puts immense pressure on us to conform to a worldly standard. It's weird. Instead of looking at a larger body and saying, something is off within your system to allow you to maintain an unhealthy weight, we look at them and say "ew, fat! gross!" It's so odd to me. Our bodies are amazing! They tell us what they want, what they need and what kills it. We just don't listen.

Today, I'm making the pledge to turn off the tv, shut down social media and focus on myself. I want to know myself intimately. I want my body and mind to be so connected that I can immediately tell when I've eaten something that doesn't agree with me, but also know what types of foods allow my body to thrive. I invite you to do the same. Maybe we'll spark a revolution!

Beautiful. Sensual. Healthy: A Reflection on Journey

My lips are powerful. Sometimes when I'm not paying attention, my lips tighten and purse. Usually, as ideas are floating through my brain and causing my mind to whirl. It's like they're tightening around a thought so brilliant, it's likely to escape without proper protection. Other times they stretch and pull around my teeth, creating a smile that comes from the heart and brightens my eyes leaving others to wonder if the twinkle they see on my face has been pulled from the sky. I was recently complimented on them during a photo shoot and allowed to take a long hard look to see what others see when they look at me and I saw it. I saw that when I let them relax and part ever so slightly, they are beautiful. I saw that their natural outline creates a path that begs to be touched, traced and kissed. I understood how their softness when kissed would make you long for more and never get enough. I saw...beautiful.

...

In this moment, I want to text a man who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I want him to text me back the things that will make my heart melt and my insides tingle. I want to be fully uninhibited with him, knowing that I'm safe to be freely me. I want his texts to ignite a flame between my thighs that sends a blush up to my cheeks and cautionary glance around me. A sensual secret. A secret so potent that I can't sit still and so sensual that I feel like a spicy cloud of cinnamon is wafting from my every move enticing those around me with its fragrance. 

...

Boundaries. They're wonderful, helpful and healthy. When people disregard our boundaries, it makes us angry. It irritates us. It annoys us. It's a human response to a violation of space and well-being: spiritual, physical and mental. I yearn to understand boundaries intimately. I want to be fluid enough to realize that when I butt up against someone's expectations, it has less to do with me and more to do with their sense of self-substantiated well-being. I want to offer them the protection of a clear distinction of themselves. A distinction that honors who they are within a safe, ego-less space but allows me permission to be my protected, honored self as well.

...

"And then it came to me, like an epiphany..." - Chrisette Michelle, Epiphany (I'm Leaving)

There is no great science to empathy. You don’t need a degree to know how to care for someone or put yourself in their shoes. Empathy is about imagination. If you've ever been in love, then you should be able to imagine how terrible it would be to have that bond broken. If you've ever loved a child, you should be able to imagine how heart-wrenching it would be to lose the love and trust of that small person. 

I had an epiphany the other day about love and relationships. I was talking to a friend about this guy that I like. She's a great person but I realized as I was talking to her that she was unyielding. And I think that may be why she's still single. It just kind of hit me. Not in a judgmental way because I'm still single too. But I think in general, there are a lot of women that are still single because they're too rigid about the wrong things. 

There is an ebb and flow to everything. Life. Love. We need to remember to exercise that in our communication with people. Sometimes, you have to take a chance on a good person. Become intentional about making something work with them.

There are certainly going to be deal breakers. There are going to be men that you shouldn't take a chance on. There are going to be people that don't live up to the potential that would make a love for them soar. Those are the times when rigidity helps. But sometimes, you have to relax and remember what's important. You may find the perfect guy but he smokes and you can't handle that. Maybe if he knew how you felt, he'd work through a cessation program to be with you. 

Let's stop writing good people off without giving them a fighting chance. 

Sometimes great things come in the most unsuspecting of packages. I went to someone for prayer last night. I'd been to the church one other time before when I'd felt like God wanted me to go. After the sermon, there was a prayer time and I nervously stood in line awaiting prayer and asking myself who I should go to. There was a couple there that I felt so strongly like they weren't for me. I don't know how to explain it better than that. There wasn't a true negative feeling of "these are terrible people" but there was definitely an instant aversion to them when they sat beside me during the sermon. So I get to the front of the line and they become free. The people I had an instant reaction to. And I heard ever so clearly "no". The 10 seconds I stood and reasoned how to decline politely felt like an eternity. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't NOT walk over and have them pray for me. I was next in line and they were open. What could I do, right? 

Well, it was awful. Absolutely terrible. They prayed for me but I felt nothing. Not even a twinge of God in it. They'd prayed out of their own understanding without searching the Lord for any indication as to how He wanted to handle my situation. They'd stopped listening when I mentioned that I didn't go to church regularly. They didn't hear me when I said that God had freed me for now (and maybe forever) from the tradition of church-going so that I'd learn of Him by the means that He'd chosen for me during this time. (It's a long story - message me if you want to know about it.) They prayed that God would bless me and strengthen my heart, etc.....once I was back in church. I left there deflated, a little battered, disappointed and honestly, extremely pissed off. But now I'm glad that it happened for several reasons:

1. Living as I am now, I've been shown how the church operates to an outsider and it's not usually pleasant.
2. It showed me that people are afraid of things that don't fit into the status quo - whether at work, in society but for sure within the church. 
3. I could feel the difference between a prayer from their minds and one from their heart. We should always be asking God what He wants us to pray for when we are praying for others.
4. It allowed me the understanding that praying out loud in groups is for the benefit of the group. Yes, you are praying to God but you are also ministering to the people around you. People use prayer to gossip, admonish and chastise people. But we also need to be using it to uplift people. 
5. Prayer should always be spoken in love. Doesn't Corinthians say something about doing everything in love? If you do things without love, you're like a clanging cymbal - just noise. God does not care if it takes you an hour to hear what He has for you to pray for someone, He wants you to take the time to seek Him and lovingly minister to their spirits. We're out here fighting for our souls everyday - be kind. Realize what a privilege it is to seek the Father on behalf of someone. It's a HUGE privilege.
6. You don't have to accept what someone speaks over your life. If it is not of God, you block that mess out and keep it moving. What God has for you, is for you. What God has ordained for you to receive, it is for you to receive. This was not for me to receive. I knew it before I went up there.
7. Take courage in the fact that what people pray over you is reinterpreted by the Holy Spirit into groanings and utterings for your well-being. Prayer is for ministry and uplifting. Yes, the words that we pray mean something. They're important. They have weight. But when you don't know what to pray and you don't know how to find the right words, the HS backs you up and intercedes on your behalf. The words are for people and commanding things on earth be as they are in heaven (and vice versa). I'm still working through this - there's a post locked up inside of me waiting to get out.
8. We should settle into the fact that God meets us where we are and His timing is perfect. This was a lesson for me. I needed to understand what it feels like when God speaks to me. I ignored Him and ended up in bad situation. But at the same time, I found out that His timing is so perfect. The first service was a training moment (as my boss likes to say) and last night was the real deal.

Back to my story, one of the ladies that I'd felt should have prayed for me the first time was sitting behind me for this service!! It was amazing. She was warm and something about her invited me in. I asked her to pray with me and gave her the background of what had happened the first night. She immediately went to get someone else to pray with us. These two women prayed for me, spoke over me and ministered to me so dearly that I couldn't even speak. There were so many tears - healing tears. Things were confirmed for me that I'd been thinking about, that I'd questioned. It was amazing. 

In situations like that, people usually feel joyous and like they have seen the face of God. I didn't feel that. But I can tell you that I feel prepared. Called. Ready. Confirmed. Healed. And that I got what I came for. That's what I was supposed to receive the first time but I did things my way instead.

So I guess I say this to say, God is good. To you. To me. To our world. People wonder where God is and why He's not changing the world and preventing life-altering things from happening to us all of the time. My question to you is: Are you letting Him use you? Do you know what it feels like when God speaks to you? Do you step out and act when He speaks to you? Do you believe that He is who He says He is? Do you know God's love for you? Because out of His love, your love grows. And it's out of that love that you minister to people whether it's in prayer or practical, everyday life actions. God uses any and everything to reach us where we are. Prayer, listening and acting are how that happens. 

As I write this, I'm reminding myself of these things and vowing to change my perceptions. To go into every situation asking God how He wants to act, love and speak - then waiting for the answer. I want to be a conduit of change and love leaving a wake of healed souls behind me.