Random Thoughts

And so, I've had these random thoughts in my phone for a while now. Whenever they pop up, I type them up. You're welcome for sharing my weirdness...

- As someone who has been blamed for the types of men that hit on her, I can now say that none of that has anything to do with me. Who hits on me has very little to do with me and everything to do with them. I am only responsible for who I allow into my space.


- There is a tendency within people to give advice instead of listening, to think as you're talking to separate themselves from your situation so they can fix it.What would happen if we listened when people spoke to us, allowed ourselves to really feel the emotions caused by the person's "story", asked if they needed advice or just an ear and simply put ourselves into their shoes within the moment they are sharing with us? I think our relationships and lives would be completely different.


- Perceive the world around you. Feel your way through your situations. Treat relationships like they are as important as they are - you know, with the appropriate level of importance. This is what life is about. Relationship. It should be top of mind to build and correct them at all times. We should be walking through life leaving strengthened and healed people in our wakes. Think about how special it is to be allowed into another person's life and experiences. 


- How to stay friends with a significant other after the relationship has ended: appreciate the intimacy that you have with that person and be thankful to have been able to get to know them on that level. 


- Instead of trying to figure out why you're the way you are based on the notion that something is wrong with you, celebrate it. Thank God for it and walk in it. Remember the moments of clarity and use them to keep you grounded in your purpose, walk and relationship with God.


- Listen to things that people choose to tell you. Perceive it and really reach for the notion behind it. Oversharers tend to be dealing with issues that are continuously one their mind. They're usually seeking help in navigating those waters, not reprimands for sharing what you consider to be TMI. They share until they find relief from their circumstances, memories and thoughts. As they are telling you their "story", you should be honored that they chose to come to you in their quest for healing. God has placed them in your path for a reason, ask why and reach for understanding. Also, just because you feel that someone is speaking on something too intimate for your relationship with them, doesn't make it so. Be conscious of your judgments of others. 


- People think that they change according to the situation that they're in, but they don't. The only change is their freedom to express the things inside openly and outwardly. But if you listen closely and pay attention to how you feel when you're around them, you'll know who they are regardless of their level of openness within any given situation.

...i'm a villain...

02.03.12

there's a story that's being written about me. it's about a girl that tries her hardest everyday only to find out that it's not enough. and not only is it not enough, it's criminal the way that she handles life.

05.14.12

i've been chronicling my life for years, using up journal after journal. writing down the emotions that seem to overwhelm me until i can't see the end of myself. singing and writing have always been my companions. my drugs of choice. so it's been odd that i haven't been indulging in either of those activities. right now i feel like my life is being swallowed whole by this huge life changing sorrow that i moved down to alleviate. it turns out that you can't help someone out of a bad place unless they want to leave it.

I'm releasing old drafts today...watch out!

06.22.13

I tend to stare in the mirror haphazardly. Waiting to become beautiful. Waiting for my features to soften and become feminine. I will my hair to soften and flow. Pull my waist in until my hips round and curve. Then I move. Round out my back, stretch my torso, frame my face with my arms and forget. I forget that I hate my body. Forget that my heart hurts. I feel. Sexy, Alive, soft, fluid. But most of all, I feel. It's dangerous. I get wreckless. I forget my awkwardness, my clumsiness. That I don't always know what to say. That I'm tender-hearted. And full of dichotomies. Opposites.

Look what I found! I wrote this on 5.24.12 and it rings true for me now even though I've moved to a new city since then. So interesting to see the hope of that time and the progress I've made since...

i became extremely stressed out yesterday for a few hours. thinking about my apartment and starting a new life. i'm terrified...and i have nothing. do you know how stressful it is? for real, i almost broke out in hives thinking about it.

i'm a firm believer in God working things out. bless my heart, the way i navigate through this world is atrocious. i live from the heart. if my heart doesn't feel what i'm writing, i erase it. what i'm singing, i turn the music off. what i'm watching, i change the channel. my heart is the well spring of my life and it's messy. i kind of tumble around loving people and things unabashedly throwing caution to the wind doing what feels right.
this has way of living has a tendency to be soooo very detrimental to any kind of plan that i could possibly put together which often leads me to having no plan. this stresses out everyone in my life.

i moved to chicago because i had a feeling God wanted me there. i hang out with people because i have a feeling they are just great people. i hug/call people because i feel like they need it. i talk to people on the street and smile from my heart because i just feel like it's necessary. i moved to GA because i felt like my heart would implode if i didn't. all of this has lead to where i am now.

without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out, as my dad would say.

which leads to my next moment of insanity. i've "claimed" an apt. i feel like this is the one. i feel like God's leading me here. i toured the facility but it was rushed and...not REALLY a tour. more of a "let me show you the largest apt which is nothing like the one that i'm going to offer you when we get back downstairs." but it was cool. i just accepted it because i knew that was home.

my new home.

and i feel the renewal creeping up behind me. the chance that so many people wish they could take...a chance to start over. to take this City by storm. to be the person God has planned for me to be. all of the regression i feel, the anger i've felt, the tears i've cried...they're all leading to this moment.

my moment of renewal.

i may not have toilet paper. or an iron. or furniture. but i'm so excited to start over. my life in chicago was becoming more counterfeit by the day. i was in love with a man that was in love with someone else. i was working at a job that wasn't suited for me. i had frenemies surrounding me and discussing my every move. my life right now is the real deal.

it's spacious and inviting. it's full of expectation and hi-fives. i have all the love i need and am surrounded by family and good people.

my heart. my expectation. my future. it's all bright. it's all right. it's a chance in a lifetime.

I want to kiss your imperfections
Caress your fears
Stare deep into your resistance
And gaze into your tears

Don't block me from the love you possess
Don't harness your sweet tenderness
Open the cage and let the animal out
I'll love it regardless of it's ferocious bite

I'll wait it out until you trust me
Hold me with sincerity
Until your arms have feeling
And your heart thinks in words

Until your fear's been replaced with
warmth and togetherness
Until your trauma has been laid to rest
Let me love you to life
Bring you back from death

no drinking for you! - 12.21.12

i woke up this morning wanting to blog and chronicle my life and thoughts again. i fumbled around my apt getting my laptop only to have sat for about an hour doing nothing. i read some old blogs of mine amazed at the things that i've said in the past - how bare i'd laid my life. i was interested in my story, amused at my shenanigans, but so overwhelmingly embarrassed at the complaining and grasping at straws that i've done.

last night while i was drinking, i realized that that is a pattern for me. this grasping of straws. i get to a certain point in a life situation where i feel like i've done all that i can do and i lose myself. normal just kind of stand...resolved to find a solution or come to an ultimatum. i freak out and grasp the situation so tightly that it slips out of my grasp like sand in a tightly closed fist. i just can't hold on to it.

so i've realized that's where i am right now and i'm letting go (i think). i need to let go. i'm putting myself into emotional and spiritual timeout (along with FaceBook). this walking wound needs to start healing. i'm done living by the seat of my pants and not being able to have a nice buzz going without it turning into a self-counseling moment.